Hi Beansy, I am just frittering another day away on these blogs. I should be working in my house, but what the hell, I can work any day. Your post caught my attention. I thought I was a long-term survivor, but WOW!!! 1959 was a Looooong time ago. Your treatment reminded me of the Star Trek movie where Bones McCoy, courtesy of some time travel, lambastes a 20th century doctor for wanting to put burr holes in Ensign Chekov’s head. As I watched this movie I was about 10 days post-op for my craniotomy. When the actor pressed the trigger on his drill I received a very sudden and pronounced wave of discomfort. Apparently my subconscious mind remembered the sound of my own surgery.
Anyway, for reasons unrelated to my DAVF I have been in therapy for the last year. It has helped me beyond my ability to share. Your feelings about being alone are real and valid. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. The question you must ask yourself is, “Why?” Finding that answer isn’t quick or easy. It may take you the rest of your life to answer or it could come to you tomorrow. Aside from all the other stuff life brings most people, you have the added experiences of your medical history. I suspect you have a boat-load of feelings, thoughts, and experiences all stored up inside. These things need venting. It isn’t the amount of crap that lands on us that is important, it is how we deal with it that matters. GOOD therapists can be hard to find. Once found, they can be hard to access. Don’t give up. Start with your MD, or maybe your friends. Ask around and go only by referral.
One of the things I discovered was something called ‘framing’. It refers to the way we view incidents in our lives. Viewing a person’s comment as their intent to disparage or demean us can produce one response, while viewing that same response as a person’s cry for help or frustration can produce an entire different response. Learning to frame things from a positive perspective will be extremely beneficial.
Beyond things like attitude, framing, etc. lies an even more substantial force in your life. You have been through a HUGELY serious surgery. Even though it happened many years ago, it can have long-lasting effects. When someone tinkers with someone else’s brain all sorts of things can happen. The disruption of the previous processes can change the way we think, feel, etc. Some folks actually lose various functions. The physical losses like vision, balance, movement, etc. are only the tip of the iceberg. The loss of emotional function can be more subtle, but just as devastating. Our emotions are what guide us through our relationships with others. Lose one, and you lose a sign-post. Miss the sign-post and you might miss the turn. Miss the turn and you end up someplace unfamiliar. Do you see my point? I know it is frustrating and sometimes we need help. “Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.” John Colyer
If this feeling continues, ask for help. If it goes away then it was probably just a bit of the blues.