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AVM Survivors Network

Pain of many sorts

Hi all,

I apologize for the typing - i’m On my phone because for some reason the website won’t load on
My iPad.

I don’t know if this is a question or just a venting, but i’m Struggling this week. Someone who will remain nameless because i’ve Been married to her for, well, 34 yrs next month, she reached her limit in terms of putting up with the things I screw up because of this “thing” . and in the process of reaching her limit, well let’s just say I got dumped on. She admits she’s a control freak about things at home but she is mad at me when I don’t live up to those standards. I had a hard time with that when I wasn’t brain damaged, even more so now.

Oh and I can’t tell you the number of times I have cried myself to sleep at night because I have reached my limit.

Struggling with seeing that side and also being hurt because she’s mad at me for something that she admits she knows is not my fault.

So we add another layer of pain to this whole mess…

Oh and in case you are wondering, she is my high school sweetheart and even though she hurt me in expressing her pain, that doesn’t change anything about her being the love of my life…

Thoughts, comments, prayers, pretty much any input besides for rude statements or rude jokes are welcome.

TJ

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This is beautiful, you should tell her this

I understand completely.
my wife is a control freak around the house and as you said about your wife; before all this my wife always found something that I could do better around the house ( which was usually true) as she’s almost obsessive compulsive with cleanliness; but now she sometimes gets more frustrated because of my deficits and when she’s done having her little vent session I look at her and tell her I didn’t do this to myself I’m trying as hard as I can, I already feel like a failure not being the person I was please don’t make it worse and she will usually calm down and we can have a conversation of what she hopes I can improve on I will try and she will try to be more tolerant
I guess that’s all you can expect as our situations probably aren’t changing anytime soon unless you know for a way for my brain to grow back! :slight_smile:

My husband has been great in so many ways. What seems hard for him is understanding how tired I still am; and I’m thinking I’ll continue to be given I do have some physical deficits that make it simply hard to do things and therefore tiring.
I just keep telling myself that it’s hard for him to accept this new normal, just like it’s hard for me. I think it’s going to take time, for both of us to adjust

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Hey Alive,

Thanks. I do tell her that. Not as often as I should, so thanks for the nudge…

TJ

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Mike,

You get me.

That means more than you know.

TJ

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Ouch, ouch and OUCH. This is all too real round these parts.
I believe being OCD about cleaning is a female trait, not that that’s a bad thing, but lets face it males aren’t. I do ‘try’ ( I can be very trying at times :smile:) but I have told her I’m never going to meet her standards. I agree with Mike that my deficits make me feel like a failure already, I’ve explained to her that I’m not in this position by choice. On my good days I try to do that bit more, but she has seen how bad the aftermath of me doing that can be and in no uncertain terms has told me to stop doing it. Driving myself into the ground makes her feel guilty, but then doing nothing makes me feel awful too and no one wins.

I have acknowledged that none of this is easy on her, but it sure as hell ain’t no walk in the park for me either. As I’ve often said before none of us are in this position by choice. And sure we all need to vent (her included) but venting on to me is not fair and I think we have now got a bit of an understanding that I will do when I can BUT there are times when I simply can’t, there are times when I simply forget. I don’t do so to piss her off and I think (hope) She understands this.

This ain’t an easy journey for anybody involved, directly or indirectly, but we ain’t on this damn journey by any choice of our own. An understanding of this all round is needed. I’m not the man she married. Would I change this if I could? HELL YEA, in a heart beat, but we both have to deal with THIS awful reality. I can’t do it all on my own, I’ve tried that and failed dismally. When we sit down and have a heart to heart discussion she does acknowledge this fact, it ain’t from a lack of trying on my part, and from there we try to move on from there with an acknowledgment of each others wants needs and abilities.

Merl from the Moderator Support Team

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Merl,

No words can do justice to how much I appreciate you.

TJ

And back at you TJ.
Just having that honest understanding that “Yea, I know…” and that understanding coming from a truly lived experience is worth 1000 dr’s opinions. We can all read a textbook that says ‘A+B=C’ but when we ain’t ‘A’ our situation is not ‘B’ then ‘C’ has nothing to do with the damn equation. I don’t equate and this can frustrate those around me, but I can assure you it no walk in the park for us neither. Having people who can comprehend this, pheewww, that mean more than those outside of this reality could ever grasp. I swear, the next person who says to me “Ohh it can’t be that bad” is going to get a punch in the nose.
So yea “back at you TJ” just having that comprehension from others (YOU) means a lot.

Merl from the Moderator Support Team

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Merl,

Here I said, “okay, I’m done getting choked up about this stuff for the weekend.” And then I could finally get on the site and read this. You are preaching the truth.

While on the one side, I think, crap there are days like today where I had to sit in the lobby at church because the music and the preaching were too 2#$%@#$5 loud at church and then we do dinner at my mom’s (trade off - better half is working - either put up with more noise or cook - and as it’s not even 18 months since Dad died, Mom needs us too. Got home and literally the only things I could do for the rest of the day - drink ice tea, binge watch “Covert Affairs” on Amazon Video and eat supper. Totally wasted from four days on the road plus the stress of it all. Hope tomorrow goes better.

But this got me thinking too - we all acknowledge that the power of knowing people who “understand” is huge - is there a way we could take that and make it bigger? I’m thinking a PR campaign to get people to realize that everyone has their own battles to fight and you might not know exactly - but what does it take to be a good neighbor when you “know” they’ve got something they are dealing with, but you don’t know what or how?

And in the time that it took to type that, my headache went from 3-4 up to between a 5 and 6. So, with that we sign off - if you have ideas - we should talk, I’m intrigued by the idea (but then again, I thought of it, so of course I’d think it wasn’t totally bad.)

TJ

I like your ideas here TJ.
Originally, way back when, getting close to 40 odd year ago now, I lived in a tiny little town where everyone knew everyone. You couldn’t ‘fart’ without a neighbour knowing about it and for a ratbag kid like me it was awful. When I did something EVERYBODY knew.

BUT, here’s a little story, but a true story all the same.

One very cold morning a father got up to go to work. He stoked and loaded up the fire to warm the house before everyone else got up, then left for work. A hot coal rolled of the fireplace and set the house on fire whilst they were all still in bed, 2 of the 4 young kids perished and the mother was severely burnt. They lost everything they owned, including their home and that tiny little town all rallied together. The towns biggest employer had some houses for his workers, he donated one. Everybody had things the weren’t using, so the community brought them all together, kept what the family would need to setup a new home and auctioned off the rest. They used the funds to fix up the donated house and gave the remaining monies to the family.

It showed me just what a community could do. Now, admittedly, that was 40yr ago and I doubt that same sense of ‘community’ still exists, even there. Nowadays many people are just too absorbed in their own lives, most people I know hardly even know their next door neighbours anymore. Today people are too worried about how they, themselves are surviving in this hectic world to be concerned about their neighbours. Some people are simply too self absorbed to be concerned about others, some would rather see another fall if it meant they could get ahead. That sense of community seems to have vanished, sure you see glimpses of it now and again, but it’s only a glimpse. People are no longer as trusting as they used to be and sometimes when assistance is offered it can be received with a hint of suspicion, like it comes with ‘strings attached’. Even as a community worker, paid by government to assist people, I’ve had clients try to give me money. I explained “I’m paid by my employer, not by the people I assist. You keep your money…” and been looked at like ‘WTF’. People would give me stuff ie furniture, whitegoods etc. Some not in great condition and I’d fix them, then when people needed I’d donate them on. I had a rule “If it came to me as a donation, it went out as a donation” no money ever changed hands. Some thought I was crazy, there had to be a catch. In my view others had assisted me along the way and I was just passing that assistance on. But there was always that questioning suspicion.

There are agencies that people can volunteer through to assist people who want the assistance, the issue there is that often the people who TRULY need the assistance are often the very last to ever put their hand up and say “Hey, I need a hand”. Sometimes community workers know who does truly need the assistance and volunteering can filled that need both for the client and the volunteer.

Now I have a damn headache. But lets talk more, there’s lots of other avenues to be explored here. LOTS.

Merl from the Moderator Support Team

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TJ,
I am so sorry for you, but SHAME ON HER!
…thru ‘thickness & thin’, thru ‘death do we part’…
So many people think divorce is the easy way out, but in our Next Life, I believe people will pay, maybe?
L

Really? I think all of us go through tough times and the way it plays out for people depends on the kind of person they are, what they can handle and what they struggle with. So while I have difficulties myself from time to time, my wife forgives me when I do or say the wrong thing. In the same way, she will perhaps snap at me when she is having a day when everything is proving too much. I just know that shows she has had a bad day.

So, if I may say so, I don’t think “shame on anyone”. I’d rather understand and forgive, even when that is more difficult to do.

Together, we are stronger. It’s about supporting each other through the tough times. Even when you’re both having a tough time.

… my thoughts, anyway.

Med venlig hilsen,

Richard

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Hey Box,

If you knew more of our story - you’d know that my better half is truly my better half and we have talked about the “in sickness and health” part many times.

She’s the love of my life, she’s the soul mate God has blessed me with. It just so happens at this time when she reached her limit, I was the closest one around. Most of my blow ups have been when it’s just me and the dogs at home - by the way, canines are very good therapists - except when they bark too much…

So there’s no shame on her in my book,

TJ

Med venlig hilsen,

Richard,

I hope you aren’t swearing at me!

Seriously, I agree with you - and we have a whole adoptive friend network that says the same thing. Life’s too hard and shame can be very debilitating,

TJ

Never. Put it through a translation tool. I think I spelled it wrong, actually but it comes out ok.

I know bits of several languages and sometimes they come to the fore. This one came out at the point you saw and I decided to keep it in there. Bit crazy, I know, but that’s the real me :blush:

Richard

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Me too, but if I ever use them TJ you can be pretty sure it’s not the sort of language you’d ever want to translate :smile: :smile: :wink:

I have enough problems with engrish :smile:

Merl from the Moderator Support Team

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Communication is the key ingredient; this situation is difficult on both parties in a marriage.

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Goodman you are, TJ, that you seem to be a forgiving person.
Toast to that!