So, this past weekend, we moved into our condo. My brother and sister-in-law came to help and that was good. He asked me how I was doing, healthwise, and kind of probed beyond the “all right.” Or the “better than last month” type of answer, those weren’t good enough. “What sort of physical things are you living with?” As I write this, I think, some people might feel that’s really personal. It might be for some people, but not for my brother and I. We are close enough that it was no issue.
As we’re moving boxes, I was thinking how to explain it and I thought I’d share it with you as well…
“My brain is like your back. If you use it too hard, it hurts. If you twist it wrong, it sends pain shooting all the way up and down your body. The longer you use it in a day, the higher the pain levels climb. By the end of the day, you can hardly function, it hurts so bad. Standing straight, walking, sitting down, getting up, picking something off the floor, all of them cause you pain. You can’t wait to get in bed in hopes that it will feel better while you sleep. Even then, you roll over in bed and the shooting pain wakes you up. In the morning, it starts all over again. It’s there, but it’s not too bad. If you treat it really carefully, move slowly, sit thoughtfully, it stays “okay.” But, if you start getting active, then the pain goes up higher and higher and you repeat the “feeling absolutely lousy by the end of the day” routine.”
And then, there’s my brain. It starts out kind of the same. If I get up and going slowly, quietly and carefully, it doesn’t start out too bad. But as the day goes on, it builds, builds based on collective noise, builds based on the cumulative word count (how many words do I have to listen to and try to understand), builds based on physical activity, builds based on lots of other factors. As they build, they begin to overflow - down into the nerves, the other senses, the hearing, the eyes, the ability to walk straight, and as the day goes on, you get tired.
Really tired.
Tired of walking uphill all day.
Tired of feeling like you are supposed to lead a school class about something you know nothing about.
Tired of feeling like you are a printer with an ink cartridge that is running on empty - only half of what you want to say and do comes out in ways that people can understand.
Achy - the part that overflowed? It ran down into the rest of your system and every time your brain flinches (loud noises, harsh words, sudden pressure (Let’s have TJ tell us what his thoughts are…), well, every time one of those happens, it sends a shock wave down around the outside of your skull and into the rest of your body. Does it make it all the way? It never has for me yet, so I can’t say.
I could go on, but I think you get the picture. The pain and tired feelings build all day and by the end of the day, it takes too much energy to do anything and even if you have the energy, your brain is too tired and won’t compute it.
But, if you can get a decent night sleep, then you can live to push on another day and start the day in a better place.
I think that I should retitle this to “Explain my brain.” Everyone is different, so I don’t know if it’s the same - but I’d love to hear your thoughts.
TJ