I’ve been debating a lot as to whether I should blog here. Sure, I have a lot of thoughts on the subject, but every other website I attend to, I leave those tidbits out of my blogs. I don’t feel like I want the whole world to know about my AVM. Part of me says ‘why not’ because then maybe people would understand me better, but every time I’ve finally brought it up (and how do you really bring that up anyway?) people always get all freaked out and concerns and don’t know how to deal with it. Even my friend who does know and still just asks how ‘my thing’ is. I love her sentiment in checking in on me, but I just feel like it’s weird to her.
It’s been… what… 8 years since my first seizure now… although only a few years since I actually knew why. I really just pushed it away and ignored it for so long now. All of a sudden it’s rushed up and smacked me and I feel completely overwhelmed all over again. I think partially it’s because I know I’m married now and it’s not just me I have to think of anymore. I wish I’d dealt with this sooner, but I guess I’d always thought later would be a better time and it’s not been. I guess I’d thought too that at some point I’d have more money to pay for it… fat chance there. How does anyone face the financial impact of this? No one’s been able to give me an answer there.
Then there’s the medical side of course. I’m 28. My husband wants children, but how do I do that? Last time it only took 6 months without drugs to start seizures again and I would need 9 months. I wouldn’t be able to deal with myself if I hurt our baby. It all seems so overwhelming.