My kid is very disabled after having an AVM rupture. This is the year he would have graduated from high school. I’m getting graduation cards from friends touting their kids’ graduation, how proud they are, where the kids are going to college. Folks in my circle don’t know this - but I’ve been fighting depression hard for years because I gave everything I had, but I couldn’t help my kid. Made the best medical decisions I could, and spared no expense. But if you have a huge inoperable AVM there’s simply no way out. Although it was impossible medically to beat his AVM, the bottom line is I failed as a father because I couldn’t beat it. I realize that the previous sentence on one hand does not make logical sense, but it is nevertheless true.
I hide depression really well, am successful in my job. I wonder if how I look fine outwardly makes friends not appreciate that proclaiming their kids’ successes and bright futures is like a dagger. They’re doing nothing wrong, probably have no idea. I do a good job keeping my depression about my kid’s present and future tucked away from an outward facing perspective, and I function fine all of the time as far as anyone knows, and almost always when alone. But the darkness is always there, and getting a text tonight about another happy grad - these are times it gets loose & takes over. Will allow feeling like garbage tonight once everybody is asleep, then put it away in the morning.
Whine fest over. Apologies, but a brief anonymous interlude of honesty seemed like a good idea.