Life is crazy and not always kind.
But when you hit bottom you get to witness moments that lift you back up. Moments that fill you with so much love and hope you want to scream to the world just how big these feelings are.
These are moments that were born out of anguish but are brought on by triumph.
I have always said that I am a lucky girl. I know this, now more than ever, because my husband keeps reminding me I am every single day.
I am so incredibly proud to be Scott's wife.
I wrote this on Facebook. This is how I do updates to our world of friends and family.
I keep it just between the lines.
No details, no setbacks, just positive love and energy. "What you put out in the universe, is what you will receive". This is what I believe and what I have practiced.
I will be honest here. I found this website and started writing here because I was anonymous and was able to ask a lot of people with a lot of knowledge and experience about a crazy, unbelievable, can't wrap my head around it, life event that happened to the love of my life.
(I seriously have asked to myself during this change if we just didn't have it to damn good and something had to give)
But then, in this internet world, people found me. Our friends and family either because I had mentioned AVMsurvivors or by a random web search found my blog.
This is great, its awesome that I was able to give insights to what is happening, and give updates.
But then I became scared to write the shit. To write about how bad it gets sometimes. How scared I am. How I miss my husband and I miss my kids and I just want to go home.
I thought that if I bared my soul, I was failing Scott in someway. That if I wasn't completely positive, something would backfire in our world.
Here is the thing.
There have been setbacks. Big ones, little ones. But not a lot of them at all. I have started referring to them as our bumps. Nothing that we can't drive over.
Scott's memory at times really, really sucks. Short term more than anything.
He seems to remember in words instead of pictures, if that makes sense.
He always know me, he knows the kids and all of our family and of course our dumb dog, Max, which he affectionately refers to as "dumb ass".
But the memory is better some days than others. And I wonder if he is progressing or regressing. Its too early to know. Which can be heartbreaking, if i let it, but if I have no one to give me an answer, why spend all my energy on it?
Scott is 100% progressing in Physical, Occupational, Speech and Music therapy. Every day he amazes us and does things no one would have even asked him to do the day before.
We have wonderful conversations. He hugs the kids (which was so amazing). We talk about our lives. I tell him that we will recreate the memories that he has forgotten, we love a lot, we hold hands, we work HARD in therapy, we take naps and I tell him constantly how proud we ALL are of him.
So please keep sending love, sending positive thoughts, prayers, affirmations. Please keep writing me success stories, and that it is ok to have bad days.
Tomorrow will be an even better day.