Thoughts from my brain, on my brain

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This takes a little explanation in terms of the scenario that caused the reaction. Let me explain:

  • Being the former banker in the family, I’ve always been the main doer of the finances (except when it came to bigger items or buying every day)
  • since my surgery in January of 2018 (major embolization with “tons of springs and coils and stuff” my ability to follow through on details and completion of things has been hammered down to next to nothing. I told my wife I was thinking of changing my middle name to ‘’got distracted.” I think she kind of thought that to be pretty good.
  • while doing our income taxes, part of it before Covid was here, part that’s was done in the last 2 weeks, I misplaced some very important but replaceable documents. After a couple hour long searches, I found them.;
  • she got home tonight and was not very happy, actually mad that it happened because she she didn’t feel like she could trust my ability to get things done the way they needed to. In other words, I don’t see the problem, I see that you are doing things in the not right way. Not a “this is a problem, how can I help you conquer the problem?

So, being somewhat disappointed and disillusioned tonight, I wrote THIS

I don’t like it.
It takes so much energy.
It slows me down.
I don’t like what happened.

I don’t like it.
I have so many ideas
They swirl around my head
I try to write them down and they don’t come
It’s frustrating

I don’t like it.
The littlest things can slow me down.
The smallest bumps can get me off track.
Bumps cause my brain to feel pain

I don’t like it.
I no longer like noise.
Laughing, friendly, it soon becomes too much.
Beautiful music, heart warming, soul enriching,
headache pounding
Music enriches the soul
and tears at the perceived fabric of my brain

I don’t like it.
constant noise
A dentist drill, one that changes pitch has been “playing” outside my left ear
The drill only plays half time in my right ear
The caucophony makes it hard to hear, hard to think

I don’t like it.
When people look at you with a puzzled, “Huh?” Kind of look. That’s not fun.
When I make mistakes and know better.
I remember that my brain was injured.
And I don’t like it.

I don’t like it.
As a father of five and a husband of one wonderful woman for 35 years next month
I’m used to people relying on me.
And I don’t come through like planned.
And I let them down,
I don’t like it.

I don’t like it,
When people see you on the surface
And think you look well and came through fine.
But they don’t see what I see and they don’t hear what I hear and they don’t feel what I feel.

If the Tom from prior to January 30, 2018 did things the way “Now Tom” does them, it would be sometimes a bit of a fiasco, sometimes rather comedic.
Part of this journey that God has me on, that God has you on, that God has us on is about learning to deal with struggles and doing things we don’t like and falling down and getting back up again.

And I don’t like it. It hurts me. It hurts those I love. It limits some of the ideas and passions that I have. It makes me feel like I’m being a burden.

And I don’t like that.

But…

TJ

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Tom,

One of your talents is definitely writing.

Very nice.

(My English teacher would go crazy at “nice”!). I like what you’ve written a lot.

Wives and husbands are bound to come home and get a bit ratty from time to time. Mine does the same. It’s mostly to do with how good or difficult a day they’ve just had and not a sober reflection of their love for you.

Lots of love,

Richard

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TJ127,

Oh, how I understand. I’m not married, or have family responsibilities like you. My brain is NOT the way it used to be. I particularly identified with the “when people see you on the surface and think you look great…”. I run into this a lot, and in some family members, I hate to say. It’s frustrating, isn’t it? This is why I am most grateful for this forum. WE know what it is like. Thank you for honoring us with your thoughts.

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You’re not alone!
After 7 years I have finally admitted that I’m not the same person I was pre AVM surgery in my front left brain. I have researched on my own and self diagnosed that I suffer from TBI due to surgery. I have only one physical symptom, I can’t sleep without meds. But when it comes to Behavioral/emotional symptoms I suffer with all of the following;

  • Irritability and impatience
  • Reduced tolerance for stress
  • Sluggishness
  • Flattened or heightened emotions or reactions
  • Denial of disability
  • Increased aggressiveness
  • Plus many other crazy things I would have never imagined.
    I am finally seeking professional help to deal with the new me.
    Brain surgery is considered a TBI according to those I am working with.
    I have been destroying my family for the past seven years, I hope to get the help I need to someday repair the relationships I’ve destroyed.
    Many of us have to say goodbye to the old us and learn how to deal with the new us. I’m at week 1, and I’m committed to get my life in order.
    Good luck my friend!
    Kevin
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Hey Kevin,
Welcome to Ben’s Friends
I too suffer from a TBI. Was it due to surgery? Or was it prior? This is all open to debate and every dr has their own view on that. But either way the end result has not been nice. My former life has evaporated and that’s been VERY hard to accept.

I too have had to deal with many of the same issues and because my symptoms fluctuate wildly, the impact fluctuates too. So trying to explain it all can be very confusing for an outsider or someone with no experience. The ‘common’ illness theory is: Get Sick => Rest/Recuperate => Recover and Life goes on. When this doesn’t occur others can often sit in judgement. With re occurring symptoms we often seem stuck in the ‘Rest/Recuperate’ stage. All of my ‘normal’ tolerances have crashed and relearning my new ‘normal’ has not been pretty for me (nor those around me).

We know what it’s like, cos we live it too. So come talk to us.

Merl from the Moderator Support Team

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Totally random - Lakepowell - isn’t that by one of the really big dams out in Arizona (resists the urge to google it.

Thanks for your being here and chiming in. A couple of thoughts on your thoughts…

I went to an evening class on Brain Injuries at “my wife’s hospital”(obviously she doesn’t own it but works there. They taught me that there’s a difference between a TBI and an ABI. Traumatic vs. Acquired. Sudden brain bleed vs. side effects from surgery, accident vs. gradual nerve bending and damaging. They said there is rarely a difference in how they treat or attempt to treat an ABI compared to a TBI

I am convinced that if I hadn’t already had a relationship with a therapist and began talk with him about it 2 months post op, I would either be dead, divorced or drunk.

raises a glass towards Lake Powell (wherever it is). Here’s to rebuilding relationships. That’s one of the reasons I miss my Dad (passed away 7 weeks after my surgery. He would have been a great help with all of this - but instead, I know he’s keeping his eye on us and talking to the ones in heaven who can make a difference.

One step at a time,

Tj

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This is AMAZING!!! You put everything into words…BEAUTIFULLY!!! :pray:t4::sunny:

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Mr. R,

I had a professor in college who, if you used the word “nice” in a paper would have circled it in red at least 10 times and then send it back with a note, “when you use “real words” then I will continue to grade your paper.” Ouch

TJ

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Mine, too. That’s why I mentioned it :rofl:. I think I’m talking grade school / primary, though!

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Reduced tolerance for stress…nail on the head. I get flustered so easily and I hate when people flood me with too much info at once. :dizzy_face: :dizzy_face: :dizzy_face:

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