Things I can't do anymore

I cannot walk. And by that I mean that I have stopped working. I used to report for a city newspaper here in the UAE. My job was easy. I love it actually. I get to talk with people and ask what they would not offhandedly disclose in public. It contributed to my self-importance.

I cannot eat. I still weigh as much as a sack of rice though. I just cannot handle eating utensils efficiently. Watching me eat is just a sore. One may lose her appetite or go on to help me eat. At parties, I only ask for dishes without bones or fishbones. I also couldn’t and wouldn’t eat without a table napkin.

I cannot write. Which is another reason why I ain’t working anymore. And another why I deem my condition personally. I write to live and I have no qualms in living to write. I find it the easiest job in the world – if only I could still work.

I cannot smile. My facial asymmetry makes me look odd in pictures and I don’t need to be constantly reminded of what I look now. Gone is the photogenic smile my mother paid for.

Pardon me for flooding. I am still crossing my fingers though. I need not to be a pain to the people around me or a burden to the world.

I’m just running out of will now. I don’t look sick but I still feel it in my blood. I’m alive but just existing. Should I continue going to the mall? Should I still accompany Mama to the grocery? Should I keep on attending to parties I’m invited to? Should I still dream?

Oh, I know what to think. I know how to drive these apprehensions away. I may appear hopeless but I’m not totally without help. It’s just tiring to be strong.

lucky mae, not being able to preform your job …is hard i know…especially when it means so much to you and is so rewarding…before this happened to me i was a teacher which i miss greatly…working with and teaching children was a grat passion of mine…but never lose hope mae …just see yourself back doing your job and im sure it will happen …i believe that if you can create the image in your mind using visualisation… you will go there in reality…doctors told me i would neer walk again after my surgery i had no movement down my left side…all i had to work with was my mind …and i knew through my mind i could create my reality …it took time but sure enough i proved all the doctors wrong and now im walking again …i still have a long way to go but i use visulaisation everyday…and visualise my life the way i want it to be…the mind …visualisation and positive thinking can be so powerful…and can really change your feelings …give it a go…you have nothing to lose and everything to gain …im living proof it works…hang in there things will get better just believe and remember we are all here for you …lots of positive energies coming your way xoxox

Many thanks, Dee and Alicia.

I haven’t tried visualization yet, but I’ll see. I may have had sometime ago, but you see, almost every medical people I’ve met projects no optimism when I consult them. I could just thank them for not letting me hope otherwise.

You’re right though. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain now. I still dream of putting up a school for children with special needs. I still have three to four books to write. I still wish for a family. I still will walk down the aisle.

I would practice writing everyday, Dee. An hour for each hand. I would visit the web for an hour, read for an hour, and practice typing for an hour. There really are just bad days.

Dear Lucky Mae,
I’m moved and inspired by your dream of building a school for children with special needs. It takes a strong and beautiful person to do that, and I have no doubt you can achieve what you set your mind to.
Stay strong. Some days are just bad days.


Lucky Mae,
I enjoy reading your post, it’s very apparent to me that you were in journalism, you write very well. I understand how you feel, I feel that way a lot myself. I cannot work anymore either, but I had a much less glamorous job than yours and it certainly wasn’t my life’s dream, but it paid the bills. But getting used to being largely useless was hard for me. I was used to being very good at what I did and known as the “go to” person for anything. But, like others have said, don’t give up. Better days will come and the bad days will lessen.

i know what you mean about the medical people …but listen to me…you cant listen to them…just listen to yourself and believe in yourself believe you can do it…thats the only way your going to get through this…if i sat back and listen to the medical people i would still be sitting in that wheelchair…with only a whisper of a voice …that was as good as it gets i was told…well no way was i going to accept that…this is your life take control of it and dont listen to the medical mumbo jumbo…you can do anything you put your mind to …prove them wrong…the doctors look at me now in disbelief …they just cant believe with the amount of damage done to the brain that i am making such a good recovery…i tell ask them when are they going to start including positive thinking and believing into there medical approaches…i know you can do this mae and you will open that school never lose sight of that dream hold it tight and just believe …it will happen xxox

I did not mean to put my home country down. But mine is poor and schools for children with special needs are focused to the blind, deaf and mute only. Could you share with these children your love for life, Mindy?

Thank you for your compliments, Trish. I just wish I’ll be able to control myself more now when some people approve of me : ) Yes, I’m keeping strong. There’s practically no reason for me to give up anyway. Just me and my melodramas…

I don’t know what to think anymore, Alicia. It’s hard to stay upbeat when the very people who should prod you are locking themselves to clinical reports and observations. Much harder when you are expected to still behave otherwise (just be positive! you know, these kind of lines…) I know both parties meant well. I just do not want to waste time. This third life is not about me anymore anyway. It’s for the people who cared for me as well as for the people of my kind out there. Sigh.