There's light in the darkness

Hi all… I’m here today because I need to rant… I was a member of the old page and haven’t been on in over a year. I have an avm which was diagnosed in 2009 after my first hemorrhage. I had gamma knife and a partial embolization and then about halfway through 2015 found out it wasn’t treatable any longer because there was too much scar tissue around it. Fast forward to the beginning of 2016 and in February found out my mom had cancer. I took her through 4 rounds of chemo appointments, her stem cell transplant all of which was exhausting. She lost her hair, her appetite, and I was exhausted. Fast forward to right after Thanksgiving of 2016 and she kicked me out of the house. She said she needed time to herself and sent me to a place in CA with a friend of hers like I was a piece of trash…because I’m on disability and have limited funds. She wasn’t listening when I said I had docs appointments of my own to go to, that I have school which I’m doing online…nothing. I had started dating someone who made me really happy and she was against that too. I begged for two months to be able to move back in and she told me it wasn’t my house any longer and that I didn’t live there and she needed to take some time to think of herself. I found a small studio apartment and am just getting used to things. It’s been rough and though this will make me stronger, I hate it. I’m bitter and I’m angry. I don’t understand. The place I’m living isn’t the best but it’s mine now…and things will be the way they’ll be.
I’m just wondering if anyone has gone through this or has anyone been through something where they felt thrown away. I’m not depressed…I’m just sad and it’s new. Most of all, I miss my pets. I had seven cats (all rescues) and three dogs and I miss them. I miss waking up and feeding and cleaning litter boxes. I miss taking them on walks and I miss taking them in the car to go somewhere. I just needed to get this out. I know I’ll come out on top…and now I look at what I have like clothes and personal items and it all doesn’t mean the same. It’s just stuff. If you’ve gotten this far then I thank you for reading. I’m not really sure what I’m expecting from this post whether it be responses or just a quick read but please, no sympathy.
Thanks for reading.

God Bless and keep pushing. I got young kids, a wife, and older parents. Sometimes its not about you, but the people you love. It ain’t easy, but you do the best you can and keep pushing. Good luck and Stay strong.:triumph:

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Thank you so much rob1990 (I’m assuming your name is Rob). Your comment means a lot…that you even read this means a lot too. Have a good evening.

Yes, Jess, you will. I can feel it.

Glad you’re back.

Seenie from Moderator Support

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Thank you so much. Your support…even reading and commenting means so much to me. Take care please.

We’re all with you!

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Y’know what, Jessica, I’m having a problem with the subject line of this post. It is not trash. It’s much-needed venting: it’s “getting it off your chest”. This is a terrific community and many people here know exactly what that feels like, and they know that it’s good to unload every now and again. They get it.

The good people here understand that, like them, you need empathy and understanding, not a pity party. There’s a big difference. Being able to come here and “let it out” is one of the best things about Ben’s Friends. Of course, we can get pretty tired of whiners, but we have our ways with them too … LOL! But you’re not one of those.

So think about it, and try to come up with a subject line that’s a bit kinder to Jess. OK?



No prob Jess, this stuff is extremely complicated. Keep pushing, one day at a time :triumph:

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I updated the subject line. Thanks for your message. It means a lot. Not sure if you’ll approve but that’s the best I can do for now.

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Hmmmm…were you trying to make me smile? Because you did. :relaxed:

Relax and have restful evening. Tomorrow’s bound to bring just one thing that’s better. Right?


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Have a happy Valentine’s Day. It’s not about flowers and candy I just wanted to share the love :heart:

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Stay strong Jessica, people on here really care. So use us if you need to vent. xx

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take it step by step,day by day.
you cant control how other people react you can only control how you approach the challenges.
most of the people that were “close” to me before have distanced themselves as they cant relate to me anymore.
It just made me realize there wasnt much depth to those relationships in the first place.
stay strong!

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Ooo you to huh,LOL, yeah, your describing me, it’s human nature to fear what you don’t know, (AVM) people do not have a clue, that’s why we’re all here for each other, BE STRONG AND CARRY ON,.


Jessie, My old friend…There are others who had this experience where family members just cannot handle what we have been through…Our dear friend, Lesley’s husband had her leave and she also lives in a studio apartment by herself. Our Lesley has grand mal seizures quite a bit and I worry about her all the time.

All we can do is stay strong and positive…If they cannot accept it…so be it.

Please know we are always here to support you.

If you are on FB, add me as your friend Louisa Church Cicillini and I will always be there to support you. So many of our AVM friends keep in touch on FB.

Keep the Faith!

Welcome back Jessica. If you need to rant, this is the place to do it. You have overcome what appears to be insurmountable difficulties. With each step you take, you are getting stronger and wiser. Sounds like your Mom is in her own dark place and she’s trying to find her way out. I’m sure she loves you, but maybe she can’t adequately express it right now. Stay positive; be patient; and keep moving forward. I wish you all the best.

Sharon D.

Thank you Mike. I’m trying and it’s been a positive week. I’m getting settled… (And I went to the casino this past weekend… played a hundred and walked away with… well lets say I didn’t do too bad.

I am on FB and we’ve made contact!! Thank you so much for the suggestion!!! I try and keep everyone in my prayers…although sometimes my faith is in question. Ever have days like that? Some days you’re full of faith that there is a big MAN upstairs and he’s working in your favor and for you and helping you and then days where you’re like, this sucks and what’s this all for? Yep that’s been me.

Oh Jessica…You have no idea what it is like for me to have my brain hemorrhage…Everything is so much more difficult for me now. My dear Sister has cancer and I stayed with her for 5 days and that 5th day, my brain was a mess. I have aphasia and short term memory loss and it was very difficult trying to take care of her…but I did it. Plus we had a snow/ice storm and I had to clean her driveway so I could take her to the Cancer Clinic for her chemo & radiation every day. My life is hard since my brain hemorrhage…but hang in there…we have our friendship.

Hi Louisa.
I’m so sorry… the fact that you were out there and taking her…and then even more… why? I ask myself… I’m so grateful for the friends I’ve had on here and people I keep meeting. Keep your head up…
I’ll pray for you and you pray for me… that is if you pray :wink:
Just think good thoughts…