I find myself thinking back to the day I got my first CT results a lot. And I can’t help but think I am not the same girl that walked into that office in October of 2011.”You need Brain surgery” are four words I never thought I would ever hear in my lifetime. And two of them can really change you. I don’t know if I would say I am stronger than I was then because at that time in my life I honestly thought I was invincible, and being diagnosed with something that could potentially kill you, paralyze you or give you brain damage is pretty crippling. The only way I can find to describe it is to say: I have found Peace. It wasn’t instantaneous though, I had many sleepless nights and times where I would just cry because I was so scared and frustrated with the unknown. I can’t tell you how many times I read Philippians 4:7 and prayed that I would give me a reason why this was happening to me. But one day I was in the car and the song Lead Me to the Cross came on the radio and the words spoke to me:
“Savior I come Quiet my soul remember Redemptions hill Where Your blood was spilled For my ransom
Everything I once held dear I count it all as lost Lead me to the cross Where Your love poured out Bring me to my knees Lord I lay me down Rid me of myself I belong to You Lead me, lead me to the cross”
And everything became really clear to me. That is exactly what God was doing, bringing me closer to him by completely changing the way I thought about my life. By ridding me of myself so that I could know him more and see that my idea for my life is nothing compared to his plan. He was completely in control. I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be but since then I have had this perfect peace that I can’t put into words I cannot tell you why I didn’t have a stroke before my AVM was found, or why I have gone into two risky surgeries calm and unnervous or why I woke up from a 10 hour complicated surgery with no deficits. That is why this Christmas I am thankful for God’s peace that surpasses all understanding. I have realized that no matter what I want or have planned for my life what’s going to happen is going to happen. I think it is his way of polishing me to be exactly the person I was meant to be all along.
AMEN Shelby!!! This is such a beautiful testimony and Thank YOU for sharing!!!
YOU are truly Blessed - Merry Christmas Shelby!
Michele
Beautiful words Shelby. Hope you had a wonderful Xmas and a healthy healthy new year.