Yesterday was my birthday. We are financially tight so no celebration with friends. It was such an ordinary day and I felt so depressed. I want to but I can't show it.
I am still entitled to be sad, to long for pampering from my husband but he doesnt respond the way I expect him to. And I don't want to tell him what to do for me. I don't know if he saw the latest result of my CT Angio but I'm sure he knows that it's not yet over. But I didn't feel the warmth, the support, the assurance that he will be at my side whatever will happen. Maybe, I am too demanding? Well...
I don't know if it is too selfish of me but I just want to feel what it is to be like a child again. Like a child who have a mother or someone who cares for me. Someone who would ask me "how are you feeling? what do you want to eat? let's go to the doctor. will try this to make it right" (Sigh) Am I just being a brat,a childish person with AVM? Is this part of depression, of emotional changes brought by the drugs, by my condition?
I always put up a strong personality. Joke around about my situation with my friends who knows about my AVM. I don't want them to take it seriously because I don't want them to pity me and to be paranoid and worried of my situation.I want to function as normal as possible.
I have a new job and I am not yet permanent. I need this job to support my family, my meds, my needs. Only one of my officemates knows that I have an AVM and I don't know if she also understand my condition. It's not that I want to hide this from my workplace but I don't want either to announce this to everybody. I just want to function, to work as normal as possible.
when I get depressed,I just tried to think that being alive today, being able to hug and kiss my two sons, bond with family, mingle with my friends, officemates and have petty fights with my husband is enough to be grateful for.
Well, maybe to get sad once in a while is not that bad as long as I'll be able to pull myself back again.
And this site and the people here are a big help.
If I cannot talk to people here then I can write to people out there ;) Please, just bear with me ;)
Have a blessed day everyone.

Cherry...we all have had the same feelings that you have...However, having your AVM on your frontal lobe, is the area that makes depression and anxiety harder. If you haven't already, talke to your doctor about providing you with medical that can help. We all are here for you...Keep the Faith!

Cherry here’s a big hug (((. ))) things will get better! Many blessings to you! Marie

Belated happy bday Cherry! Your feelings are all valid don't worry.. But pls stay strong! I trust that you will be able to pull yourself back together again.. Just wait and see, things will get better. I will be praying for you...**hugs**

Cherry, happy belated birthday! I too, had a "different" birthday this year & as we say, "this too will pass"!! lol. Some days, we just have to "say it as it is", & as Louisa said, where your AVM is, is where the depression comes from. After 2yrs & 5mths after surgery, I am being weaned off the anti-depressions. Take care of you Cherry & all the very best to you!

Happy (belated) Birthday, Cherry!
In my opinion, all emotions are valid. I think anyone with an AVM is going to be sad sometimes (I know I am, but I still have joy. Nothing can take that away!). But you're right - you can't stay there forever. Keep trusting God and keep coming here for encouragement.