Quiet Reflations..Screaming out loud...My 1 year anniversary

Wow…it’s been a year…can you all believe it?

This time last year I was entertaining my dad and getting ready for the most terrifying, life changing and Nebulous event I will probably ever experience.

Brain Surgery.

Two little words, when we hear them…it seems the things of TV, and Movies, and Medical shows about car accident victims, or cancer patients. I was non of those. I was just a simple (well seemingly so) 25 year old woman, with a good Boyfriend, loving family, Belly dance novice, and decent artist.

To look back and read some of the journals and things i wrote before the surgery is…interesting to me if not anything less then amazing, beacuse lades, gents and AVM Survivors of all kinds…I Died that day.

The person I was…for 25 YEARS…died. She is gone. There are still pieces, I am and will always be me, but this little thing, or not so little, that was taking blood away form my brain was to be removed, and now. I am alive and reborn.

I dance with a Fire and passion unlike anything I have seen myself. And I know it is jsut the beginning. I draw and lines I never dreamed I could make Fly across the page creating images so far form my imagination I scarcely know they are my own. I feel, and most importantly…I love.

And let me tell you, 25 years without truly knowing love is a LONG time. You see the face of family and friends and it feels like you have been on a trip for a very long time, and you miss them, and this feeling this warm glowing amber liquid of joyous love fills your body. I am so grateful that I can now feel that.

It comes with the most intense joy, Ecstasy, as well as the deepest sorrow and loss. But it is THERE. I am no longer a shell. No longer an unfeeling thing.
It’s true, there are neuro-path ways in your brain that cause the release of chemicals that signal the body to be happy or feel love, and mine were not receiving blood. The Drs have officially confirmed it. What I said all along, for years and years and years, that I could not feel. And honestly it saved my life. All those HORRIBLE things i went through, the childhood traumas, the rape, the torture and enslavement, all that pain all that horror, I was kept safe, so I could survive -and use those experience to create, to be.

And I was given a gift. I felt soothing before my surgery and it wasn’t clear to me until just now that it really did come true. I felt in my heart…somewhere that this was the last big bad I had to face. That Brain surgery to fix this one thing, to have that last lesson and then finally, truly and completely, I could reach my Nirvana, the top of the mountain, I could get my hearts desire. Love, Life and Happiness. A future free of the pain and suffering of the past injustices. Laughter and light.

You all remember your first love? The intensity, the fire the passion. The despair when they left.
Well I guess I got a cheat on that one, because all my previous relationships were in that 25 years where I could not truly feel. It gave me time to go through the proper steps to now FINALLY be in the arms of the person I am supposed to be with. My other half. SO I get that First true love, and I get to marry him. He CHOSE me, and I chose him.

So I say to you all. Thank you. It has been an IMMENSELY difficult year, and all the pain which I went through and am still going through, all the medication and procedures which I still endure, the clouds have parted and I can see it’s worth. I got a Bad Fever in January of last year, the Drs said my AVM had gotten bigger, and if I had NOT found it and had it removed, the fever would have caused it to burst and lead to a stroke, blindness and even death.

So I say to you all, cherish your lives no matter how hard, no matter what it throws at you. See the signs that the universe or whatever deity you believe in, or just whatever you believe in in general gives to you. Look, listen and be wise, because you CAN get there! You can get to that place where you ARE at the top of the mountain where you GET to your perfect happiness to your personal Nirvana. You can get there.

So again I thank you for joining me on this journey that has ended, and to look forward to the one that is just beginning. The excitement around every turn, the sadness the joy. Thank you all.

I For the first time without a shadow of a doubt can say, that I not only love, but I love myself.

Thank you


Glad you stayed… I know this was a long time coming but welcome. :slight_smile: