On My Mind

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book.

Life is so precious and I can definitely say I have taken it for granted. The fact that I am able to walk around, spend time with my family and play with my dog are all miracles in themselves. I consider myself blessed to be allowed to take my next breath, this is something I have recently realized. I have been healthy my whole life and to tell you the truth, this AVM hit me like a ton of bricks. No one ever tells you how to deal with these things when they happen and I am convinced it is not something that can be taught by someone else. It is a learning experience. First you start to think Why me? Have I done something wrong to deserve this? or am I being punished?. I’ve always heard the expression “ have your life flash before your eyes” but I never really understood it until now. You start to think back on all of the important times in your life and mostly you begin to think about the things you might never get to experience. Like getting married or having children or becoming a doctor. And then you get sad. It took a while for me to come to terms with my situation. Not knowing exactly what was going to happen to me was something I really struggled with. It has never been death that scares me but the possibility that I might never be the same mentally or physically. Worrying can literally make you sick I would wake up every morning thinking “is today the day I will have a hemorrhage?” It is a very isolating experience. I can honestly say I never felt more alone than the first two months after my angiogram. Eventually through constant prayers for peace and understanding I have come to terms with this stupid thing and I have been renewed with an inner strength that I can’t really explain. I am determined to beat this. In the beginning I never thought that this experience would teach me so much. I have been humbled, and this may be one of the best things that could have happened to me. I have learned to appreciate life for everything that it is. To love people unconditionally because we are all God’s children and we need each other. But mainly that we all have a destiny, a plan that God has for our lives that he knew long before we were born. And I can tell you that, God’s plan for your life far exceeds yours. I know I have a purpose and this illness has a purpose, even though I may not know exactly what that is at the moment.Our God is a loving God, he is the very essence of love and I know that suffering is not his will. But l can’t help but feel comfort in knowing that I was put here for a reason.

"When your having a rough day? Place your hand over your heart. You feel that? It's called purpose. You're alive for a reason. Don't give up!"

Hmmm.....I think I just read my own journal from years ago. I felt the exact same way when I first found out. You are right.... There are no books or brochures on how to deal with it. It's a learning experience that is done solo. I still get my days wondering if "today is going to be the day".....I only feel when I'm having a rough day, physically. Migraines and seizures. Those kind of things.. Then I say to myself: Oh well... my wills are made out. Ha Ha

I've prepared the best that I can for when that day occurs (it's going to happen some day - right?) In the mean time - I continue to live my life the best that I can. Sure! There's a lot of things I can't do any more but, I really enjoy the things that I can (wink).


I think you were in my mind when you wrote this. I first had AVM bleed in 1995 and have been going through treatments/surgeries to erradicate the rest of it that goes thru my brainstem for several years. I have had much time to look at life differently, and I must say you said exactly what I feel in my heart. We all have a purpose, not sure what mine is but I do know everything happens for a reason. God has it all in His plan. I am truly blessed to be alive and I have definately beat the odds in this fight against AVM. I am also thankful there are people like you in this world to spread his word so eloquently. GODSPEED. and thank you.