Man, I am so sorry for you. My AVM ruptured 10 years ago and the treatment that they gave me has not worked at all. It is deep down in there and has taken up home and I think the only way I’ll ever get it out is to blow it up, like a beaver dam. I get period times where I get depressed, and am on meds to keep it at bay, but sometimes they don’t work. I just try my best to try and stay happy. Very difficult when your head feels like it’s going to explode, implode or being ripped apart on a daily basis. But I do have a wife and two great kids. My son is married, going on almost 2 years now and are expecting in January. If that isn’t depressing enough (knowing that I am old enough to have grandkids), my baby girl is getting married in December of this year. That’s depressing because I have to fork out so much money and as of today, I have $11.00 in the bank, and that is going to have to last until my wife gets paid, NEXT friday. But I look at things in a positive way. We are going to have to eat a lot of leftovers, that will get the fridge cleaned out, everybody will have to stay home after work and school, no running up and down the road, so family time will be spent together. Well, close together, my daughter stays locked up in her room most of the time, but she is home. Her hubby to be is on the Navy and stationed in Hawaii. She is still in school, got lucky and got a spot in the course she wanted and has a year left to go. That means, after they get married, he has to go back to Hawaii and she is going to have to stay here to finish up her clinicals. He is going to be out to sea for about 5-6 months when he gets back, so she would be over there by herself, knowing no one, so it won’t be that bad. Of course I told her, this won’t be the last time he has to go out, and I am not splurging for airfare every time he is gone, so when she gets there she better hurry up and get to know some people that she will be able to hang out with while he is away. I try to keep busy as well. Can’t afford most of the things she wants for her wedding, so I am making some of the things that I can, wood signs, platters out of some sort of tree. Tried some in pine with a chain saw, but I was in the bottom of a ditch trying to saw this pine tree into one inch diagonal plates and it was tough keeping them all the same thickness. But this weekend, we are supposed to go to her cousins house. Her aunt has a tree that she wants hopped down and they have a band saw so that way, maybe I’ll be able to get them all close to the size she wants, and it will be a lot easier than trying to do it in the bottom of a ditch with just a chainsaw. Oh and to top that off, because of this stupid thing in my head, or because of the treatment they tried, left me having to walk with crutches, and trying to saw with one had while holding onto a crutch with the other, didn’t help all that much. I can stand for a little while without one, but not long because I can’t keep my balance. Anyways, I also help coach the local high school softball team. My part is the going around and telling each player what they should be doing and how. Don’t get to hit or throw, but get to encourage and cheer and I keep the book. I also keep the clock for the volleyball games. I used to do basketball as well, but my reflexes have slowed a lot, so I had to give that up. That sucked, because I got in every game for free and had the best seat in the gym. Oh well, I don’t have anybody in my immediate family playing anyway, but I do have some of my softball girls that play, and is tell each and everyone that plays on the team. Now that you are on the team, you automatically become part of my family, and if will treat you as such. I give them my cell number and let them know that they can call me any time, day or night, and it will be there for whatever they need. I have told every one that ever played on any of the teams, baseball and softball. I often get phone calls at all hours from some of the kids. I recently got a call from a baseball player I helped coach 9 years ago, call me at 3 in the morning because he was having problems with his now ex-girlfriend. I usually just listen to what they have to say, letting them get their frustrations or sadness out then try to maybe give advise or just tell them what I would do, but say that that is just my opinion, that doesn’t mean that that is what they should do. Often times I just listen and try to comfort as much as you can on the phone. He lives in Virginia and I in N.C. So I couldn’t just hop in my car and run over to see him, but he did come home a couple of days later and stopped by the house and we could talk a little more about it. He was one of the Tough kids in high school, popular, athletic, decent looking, looks just like Scotty McCreary, anyway, I was the enforcer when I helped coach baseball and set rules about behavior on and off the field. He struck out one time and came back to the dugout and threw his helmet. I said that’s 4 laps, then he threw his bat, I said that’s 8, he said I don’t give a damn,16. Then he set down and everything was ok. I kept telling him during the week, you have to run those 16 laps before the next game or you will not be able to play. The morning if the next game he called me at 6:00 and said I’m going to start running my laps. I said you can run all you want but if I don’t see them, they don’t count. So I got up and went to the ball park and he ran his 16 laps. He said he thanks me now because I didn’t back down and give in like the coach would have and it made him realize that I was serious and wasn’t backing down. I told him, this is what life is going to be like, you have to follow the rules or you won’t make it far. He joined the Air Force after school and learned that they don’t play or back down either. What I’m trying to say is, get out, stay busy, take your mind off whatever is bothering you and focus on something else. It may not get rid of your depression but you will have a lot of other things, hopefully positive, to keep your mind busy and not idle. Good Luck and if you need to call me, msg me and I will give you my # and we can chat. I’m a good listener.