I wrote this last night and sent it to my counselor/therapist. We spent 6 hours on the road and I’ve got a killer headache tonight. The results of the day - read to the bottom…
Tomorrow we have to go back to Ann Arbor. We have to do this thing called a Swallow Study. Except for my morning meds, I’m not supposed to have anything to eat or drink for 4 hours before the procedure. I always have a dry mouth and wake up with a throat and voice that take some time to get moving again - even when I can drink something - it will be really swell when I can’t.
We get to spend 6 hours on the road and I get to swallow and chew stuff with barium in or on it. I’m sure that’s going to taste really good.
I don’t want to have to do this stuff. I just want to be normal. I want to have a normal day. I don’t want to have to spend the day talking to doctors and insurance companies and schedulers and all of that stuff.
I’m mad that I have to live with this. I’m mad that the crap I have to live with makes life harder for the rest of my family. I’m mad that rather than going to work or being creative or writing or just doing life, I have to once again spend the whole day being a patient. Being the guy in need.
God, I know you didn’t cause this. You don’t cause bad things. But I don’t get it. Why haven’t you put it all back together? What’s the purpose of this all?
I know, I see it every time I turn on or power up my iPad…
A quote from Toby Mac:
“God isn’t finished writing your story. So stop trying to steal the pen.”
But I want to write a different day into place for tomorrow. I want to have a day where my head doesn’t hurt. A day where I can be productive rather than be reactive to things that need to be followed up on.
I’m mad that I don’t get that for tomorrow. And maybe I need to be mad at myself for not being patient with God’s plan?
P.S. The testing showed that as long as I eat at a moderate pace and make sure food isn’t too dry, the risk of aspiration and pneumonia and hospitalization is minimal, so that’s a good thing. The rest of it is still a work in process.