Just need to talk

Thanks Susan, he's my little blessing. I don't regret having him at all and adore him. If anything, he's my reason for living. My emotional and physical recovery would have been impossible without him around. I just can't stand the idea of him suffering a consequence of my rupture/surgery. I NEED him to be okay or I'll hate myself. He really is such a perfect baby. I worried about the drugs but most of them were safe for the third trimester. My high risk OB was constantly reassuring me. I can deal with minor developmental issues, I would just be heart sick if he had any major problems. My pregnancy was so healthy at first. Overall, he's healthy at 6 months but it's hard to measure anything brain related.

My neuro surgeon said that I could have more children. Of course, you might be talking about having children while the AVM was still there. My doctors think pregnancy caused the rupture so I don't recommend anyone having children until removing the AVM. I still don't think I could bear the anxiety of another pregnancy. It's funny.... before my rupture, I prayed every day for a healthy baby. I thought I only wanted one back then and I was so worried before I had anything to worry about. Life has been pretty unfair to me and I'm trying to forgive. I still have a "small" aneurysm that is not being treated or reevaluated until this summer. My doctor keeps making me feel like an idiot for still worrying so I thought I would try to talk to people that might understand how traumatic this.

THANK YOU EVERYONE for your responses. I wish you all continued recovery.

@ Trish - thanks. I don't know if his oxygen levels were compromised. I had an IVH which they say is less destructive than SAH. I was in surgery for several hours and don't know if his oxygen was affected then.The anesthesiologist said I was the most stable patient he has ever seen. I still don't know what that means since many neuro patients are older. I had contractions and a little bleeding right after surgery but all fetal monitoring stabilized soon after. I hate not knowing..... thank you for your well wishes. Same to you :)

Thanks Lis. I'm very glad your baby boy is free and clear. Did you have him before knowing about your AVM? Nobody in my family (to my knowledge) has or had an AVM. I don't know how I managed to get one. It's very hard to think about having something so unbelievably rare. It sounds like most people with AVM's live totally normal lives without even knowing. Many even have children without ruptures. I'll never know how I became a rupture statistic. Then an aneurysm to boot! :/ I feared death since I was little so it does feel so punishing. Facing this has made me less fearful. It's a blessing in disguise to just say "whatever" once in awhile. I feel thankful that my son is here and cherish all of my time with his sweet face. Hope you are doing well.