I had a dream last year, 2 weeks before I fell. I dreamed I died. I have no idea how I died but I found myself in heaven. I found myself feeling a complete sense of uforia! I was free of all the trappings of life on earth. I could not see my physical body and yet it didn't matter what I was wearing or how much I weighed or even if my hair was couffed. I was dancing and smiling. I saw God and then I became childlike. I felt as I did when my mother would walk in the door when I was small, safe, secure and loved. I was perfect. He called me over to take a seat next to him, he wanted to talk to me about my life and what I had done and what I needed to do. I listened and then became confused as he told me of what I "needed" to do. "How can I do that? I am here now! I am with you!" He smiled kissed me and said, "I am not ready for you yet". I woke from my dream.
I tried to remember what He told me. I tried to figure why I would have such a beautiful experience. I smiled and went on with my day and weeks to follow with a sense of love and safety. I shared my dream with a few around me. I had no idea what was to come just 2 short weeks later, my fall.
Since that day I have tried to share my dream with others and now I share it with you. Now the Good Lord may speak softly to others but me he hollers at and even sometimes pushes me down stairs. I apparently don't listen very well. I am blessed that I fell. I am blessed that I had my vision. I am blessed.
I have told people for years that one of my favorite books is "When God Winks". It is a beautiful collection of stories of how people have taken life's everyday happenings and found messages from above to help them in their journey called life. If I am to take advice from myself then this is what I take from my dream,God is not ready for me yet. He has a purpose for me. I feel I must spend my days educating as many as possible on AVM's and not only the AVM itself but the aftermath of it when it comes to the patient.
Not all of us have visual signs of the AVM. I look normal. I walk normal. I talk normal. Does that make me the same person I was? No. It is my brain and I think differntly now. I respond differently now. I can't always control my actions or responces now. I had a client tell me of her family member who has been diagnosed with cancer. The story was filled with sorrow and pain for her family member and what he and the family will have to edure during his treatment. I felt for them and when I referred to my own brain surgery her responce was, "you will never get over that will you?". I had Gamma Knife and to this date I don't even have results of my first follow up MRI to see IF it has changed any. I am in the 86% for it to rupture at any moment due to my age. It has bleed in the past. No, I won't get over it until it has left my brain. I was astonished of the ignorance of my client and her statement. Am I, and you, not afforded understanding and concern because people are not educated? Yes. Is it acceptable? No.
From this day forward I will do something everyday to inform people I come in contact with about AVM's. I have all the paitence in the world for ignorant people but find stupid people hard to tolerate. There is a difference. Ignorant people just don't know any better, stupid people don't care to learn. I will send letters to newspapers. I will make phone calls to TV stations. I will be heard. Join me in my quest to be heard, together we can be heard. We will not be dismissed. We will not be minimized. We will be given respect that every recovering patient deserves. God has winked.