The night before the MRI scan I had a nightmare. In my dream I had brain cancer and I was about to die in 5 days.
We were standing front of the doctor`s office at the hospital. I was born in that hospital, like most of the guys I knew, and my granny died in that hospital, like most of the grannies I knew. We heard laughing from the office and I told to my friend: - well, if they are laughing, it can`t be that bad.
Sad and maybe too sexist to say that but the doctor was the ugliest woman I`ve ever seen in my life. But compared to what she told me she was beautiful. I understood the words but couldn`t understand what she told me. All I heard was that: something inside my head can kill me anytime. The thing is big, really big and there will be some operations and possibility of more epileptic seizures. Don`t lift heavy objects as a bad move can blow the whole thing up, and if it starts bleeding you can end up in a wheelchair. Or dead.
Death was always a part of my life. My mother died in a traffic accident when I was 6, my dad – I can`t call him father – died when I was 15. He was a really nice man, polite, kind but an alcoholic. When I was 13 I asked him to choose between me and the booze. We met on his funeral 2 years later. I was raised by my grandparents, grandpa died when I was 19, my granny died when I was 24. I lost my best friend who was like a brother to me when he was 19. So I knew since I was a wee lad that people die, sometimes suddenly. But it is one thing when you know that and it is another when someone tells you that your life is in a constant danger because of something you don`t even know how to spell it. Time bomb was the best way I could describe it to myself. The rarity of my condition couldn`t make me happier. I had only one question to myself that night: why me? What did I do to deserve that punishment from life? The things already happened to me aren`t enough? And I was banned from alcohol which made the whole situation tougher.
When we got home I wanted to be alone for a few minutes and make a plan. I listed the things I heard, read the report and smoked like a chimney. OK, so the thing in my head can kill or paralyze me. OK, no more beers, so I needed a new tactic to handle problems in my life. I decided to read everything about the condition, about the operations and most importantly find out the survival rate. So I tried to rationalize the situation. But I was scared as hell, even more frustrated and thirsty.
I thought quit drinking will be harder, but it was like a walk in the park. Sometimes I still want to drink for fun or when I feel sad but since the 4th November 2007 I didn`t have a drink. I think the reason is the Tegretol and not my willpower. But honestly, does it really mater? I am sober for almost 7 years now.
I think the “best” drug dealer is the state itself. Because all you have to do is tell the doctor that you are anxious and don`t sleep well and the doctor`s only question is: Xanax or Rivotril? It is cheap, the quality is good and you can buy it in every pharmacy. So I started Xanax. And things were smooth, the ticking of the time bomb in my head didn`t bother me for the time I was high. So I had my new problem solving method.
You seem ambivalent about the Xanax, mdeer. Is it helping you cope? Or are you hoping to find a new problem solving method? Our members find all sorts of ways to cope -- yoga, transcendental meditation, hypnosis, acupuncture, positive thinking, swimming, you name it. Whatever works, works -- it's different for each person.