I am so thankful to be at home.
Being away at college is difficult for me. I leave home two little brothers and my Mom. And although I have been leaving them home for the last 3 years, this past year has been so much harder on me.
I left my small town in August and flew to London for a semester. I said good-bye to my little brothers (15 and 13) and to my Mom, knowing that I was taking a risk leaving her home. She is a stay-at-home single Mom now thanks to her AVM. My parents divorced before the AVM business started, and although my Dad has tried to be supportive, he just doesn't provide the type of support that our family needs. Anyway, I didn't realize that when I said goodbye to my Mom on that August morning that I was saying goodbye to a lot more of her than I wanted to. In October she had an emergency embolization done, but she suffered from a stroke. And since then she has been different.
Different in ways that no one wants to talk about. My little brothers are too young to emotionally digest all of this. They have been trying to deal with a difficult divorce and me going to school and Mom being different. But they just can't handle it all. And my Mom can't handle things either. So there I am. I'm stuck in the middle. In between my Dad and the rest of the world that wants to poke and prod when convenient for them. What they don't realize is that I am always here.
I am always here grieving the mother that I lost, being scared about the Mom that I could lose, and being thankful for the Mom that I still have. It is much too much to handle sometimes. But while I am home on this spring break, I can't help but think of the Mom that I have already lost. The Mom that doesn't realize she is even gone. The Mom that now talks like a child. The Mom who stutters through every sentence. The Mom who can't remember words. The Mom that sleeps all the time. The Mom that just can't be there even though you need her so much.
It hurts. And I'm going out on a limb here telling my feelings to strangers on the internet. But I just have a feeling that many of you know what I am talking about. And I am sincerely sorry for you. I'm sorry for all you the husbands and wives that are trying to be there for their sick family members. And I am sorry for the daughters and sons that are trying to take care of their Moms or Dads. And I'm sorry for the parents that are trying to take care of their sick children. I feel like I can relate to all of you. This sickness, this malformation...it has forced me to play roles that I shouldn't. I am not a spouse nor a parent, but I have to play one for now. And I know I am not the only one.
So I commend everyone out there that has had to become someone they are not.
And I commend everyone that is grieving someone that they still have.