Down again

boxing day i went to use my debit card, it was declined. i phone my bank and find out someone got into it online. they got some money out of my line of credit. my accounts are frozen. have to wait till monday to change everything. i haven’t checked kevin’s account i’m scared to log on. apparently it was done on christmas day. nice. stuff i don’t need!! pipes froze the other weekend. i’ll have to take a day off work to sort the banks out. i looked at kev’s scan. the deficit is huge. it goes from the front right to the back of his head. it looks about the size of a hotdog. will he ever get better? i find i’m even yelling at my cats. my nerves are shot. freezing rain again today. i don’t know how much more i can take. i’m tired of going to the hospital. christmas was brutal. sat here and watched the yule log on t.v. ate an english muffin. sorry guys. i guess when it rain’s it poors. if it’s not for bad luck i don’t get any.

hey ginny, you sound like you have had quite a week.
im so afraid to put credit card details on the computer. i hope all goes ok with that. call ur bank and tell them to check ur accounts.
its so true that when it rains it pours.
you sound like you need time for YOU!!! its such a crazy time of year but maybe you have to say TODAY WILL BE ABOUT ME!!! Kev needs you, if you dont look after you, you will decline, in health, in happiness, in heart…

i will be thinking of you.

p.s your little cats love you and are there to help you feel serenity, let them help you relax, stroke them and love them, it WILL help.

XXX margaret

Well Ginny. Here’s what I’ve learned this past year: Never, never say:“Things can’t get any worse” because as soon as you say or think that, guess what happens?

Sit down and think of 3 things, HOWEVER TINY AND SMALL, to be thankful for right this minute. Just do that and give yourself a bit of time to spend doing something you really like to do. And then think that whatever tomorrow brings, you will handle it, no matter what. You will work thru this bank problem, you will find the strength to go see Kevin again, you can do this.

Christmas is this crazy time of year that has this huge buildup and you think your life should somehow be perfect and it always falls short of your “dreams”. You have to ignore those expectations and somehow get some thankful thoughts in your head.
AND get some sleep, girlfriend! You sound very tired and worn out, which is totally understandable and as Margaret says, you need to look after yourself because nobody will do that for you.
I might have to drive to Petawawa and give you a hug! I don’t know where Petawawa is BUT as least I’m in the right province! We are thinking of you.

you’re in toronto right? i think it’s a 5-6 hour drive. i’m 2 from ottawa. yesterday my voice was barely a whisper. i know i’m having a meltdown. i wanted to go to the walk-in, but with this weather i won’t drive. it’s 9 degrees right now so the roads should be okay today, my car doesn’t have a big ice sheild on it anymore. i.m also worried about identity theft. i am tired. i have sleep meds but sometimes i have to take 2. silly…i was hoping i wouldn’t wake up this morning, or it was all a bad dream. but today is another day, don’t know what it will bring. i’ll try my best. thanks guys…ginny

hey ginny, we need you here, we need you to tell us ur ok, we need you to tell us how ur days are going, good or bad, we need you to tell us everything will b ok, we need you to talk to us, its ok to feel this way. we are here for you whenever you are in this state of mind. i wish i lived in the states but i live in the ass end of the world (lol) australia or i would grab Joy and come over and have a glass of wine with you. when i read when u said your voice was barely a wisper it bought tears to my eyes. hang in there my friend, i feel like that too sometimes.
im giving u the biggest hug from downunder, CAN U FEEL IT,? CLOSE UR EYES!!!
XXX margaret

Ginny, you are not having a good time of it just now. Maybe the sleeping tablets aren’t enough maybe valium or something, speak to your doc. I’llbe thinking of you, take care.

i am so sorry to hear all this has happened…things can only improve now…don’t be overwhelmed by the scan…things will continue to get better with kevin…just wanted to share a few words of encouragement with you…sometimes the problems you must face are more than you wish to cope with, and tomorrow doesn’t seem to offer any solutions…the roads we choose to follow are never free of bumps or curves, but eventually they lead to a smoother path ahead…believe in yourself and you will soon realize that the future holds many promises for you…remember difficult times don’t last forever…keep faith ginny…believe and see your life getting better…the power of visualisation is unbelivable…it has allowed me walk again …i visualisemy self making a full recovery every day…and improvements continue to happen…now 10 months after surgery…a shift in your emotions will create new positive experiences…when i am feeling down i grab a piece of paper and begin to write all the things i am grateful for…and a feeling of happieness comes…and positive things begin to happen…give it a go…stay strong we are all here for you.

i’ve clalled into work, im going to have to sort this out. i took kev burrito’s but he was more interested in the hosp. food. he thinks it’s his home. i go visit and all he wants to do is watch tv. the power went out. we have a generator. called kev to see how to start it. doesn’t remember. didn’t call back to see if i got it started. i’m losing him, he’s slipping into the hospital life. i got mad at him on the phone. told him he’s left me in a right mess. i guess i’m going through the angry stage. i know i shouldn’t take it out on him but i couldn’t help it. he doesn’t call me at all. i.m so frustrated. guess this will make it easier when when they place him. i’m greiving the loss of my friend, my lover, our life together, it’s just never going to be the same. i told kev i wasn’t going to call him until he calls me. i said it out of anger. i had to take 2 anti anxiety pills plu 2 and a half sleeping pills and i’m still up at 2.45 am. walk-in is closed again today. if i go through emerg they don’t like to deal with stuff like this. i.m having perpetual waves running through my body. losing control of my bodily functions. harder to get out of the house even harder to go see kev, cause i guess i’m letting go. never mind a valium, cyanide would work. i’m dying of a broken heart. he’s there but he’s not. he was my best friend but he’s not anymore. everytime i drive up to the hosp. i start vibrating. my heart won’t stop pounding. if i don’t have kev…i can’t look at the shell of kevin right now. maybe this is the way the prosess goes. you let go a little each time you see them. right now i’m not grateful for anything. he’s left me all alone in this world. he can’t be my protector. he doesn’t comprehend much. he calls the hosp his home, it’s his life now. i’m in purgertory. pure torture every day. i’m am at a loss.

Oh, Ginny…I feel so bad for you. I wish I could come up there and give you a big bear hug. What you are feeling is normal, nasty as it is. Do you have any close friends or family to talk to there?