Crushed Spirit

I had my gamma knife last Jan 2009. I am on Trileptal since my AVM was discovered and added phenobarbital last July 2011. Thought that the felling of bumping my head and smelling blood is just nothing but my doctor said that it is a form of seizure. Glad that it did not progress to a more complicated one.
Had CT Angiogram last June 2010. My neurosurgeon (but not the one who did my gamma knife) said that my AVM is shrinking but based on my understanding of the result, the size of my AVM is still the same. I was told by my neurosurgeon that it will usually take 2 - 3 years for the AVM to be gone, if it will. Had CT angio again last Sept 30, 2011, about 32 months after gamma.
The result crushed my spirit. My AVM is still active, stable, not changing its size. I don’t know how to feel. I dont want to think about it. I don’t want to let my family know of the result.
Had read from someone here that it took 4 years to obliterate her AVM.
That gives me a little light. Hopefully, by God’ grace, my AVM will be gone before it will take my life.
For now, trying to ignore the feeling. Glad I have this community wherein I can express what I feel.