Well today is a new day,
Thanks for all the encouragaing comments. I've been having a really hard time the last few weeks. Constantly feeling like giving up. Like I have no where else to go. And I try not to compare my self to others but its so hard not to. I feel like im so far behind the people my age and it also feels like my younger brothers are passing me by and im just getting left in the dust by everyone. Im doing my best and I feel like its not good enough.. Im not saying that other people are saying they think its not good enough but I personally hold my self to sometimes unrealistic standards for where im at in my life. I cant help it.. Its hard to go from being so health to being so weak in a matter of weeks and months.. no one is as frustraited with myself as I'am. I had my whole life planned out. I was in school, and had a great job in the field of study I was going in to. I wanted nothing more than to become a doctor. I was so determined and motivated to prove to everyone who thought I would never make it that I could. I wanted it so badly. I studied constantly, I worked constantly. Even when I was first told I had an AVM I was still determined to become a doctor and prove that I could still do it no matter what obsticle got in my way. But a few weeks after my surgery reality started setting in and I tried so hard to ignore it. My parents tryed to get my to look in to other career/ school options since now I cant lift more than 10lbs, my left side is weakend and I get exhausted so much faster. I told them no for a couple months. I continued working up untill recently when I realized I couldnt do it anymore. I think deep down in side me I knew for a long time I was gonna have to give it up. But I was just too scared to admitt it. Like Admitting that would mean I was weak, or I wasnt the same Brittany anymore. It still hurts very much emotionally. But Maybe God has something better in store for me. Its hard for me to say that. Cause the past few month I have been bitter or I guess you could say mad at God. I know terrible right. But a few months ago my mom became the childrens pastor at the church my family goes to. I refused to go. Deep down I wanted to go back to church but my pride wouldnt let me give in. I didnt want to admitt I was wrong in some of the things I had done. And for a while I thought by getting sick I was being punished for my past mistakes. When I really think about it, its kind of a stupind thing to say but when you have no other reason for getting sick I guess you just look for anything to make you feel better about it.
Over Christmas break my mom made me help her paint sets for her childrens ministry. After a week or two of that I found my self working with my mom everyday. And it's not too terrible. Not to mention I love everyone my mom works with. Part of me thinks God made my mom a childrens pastor at this peticular time in our familys life to help us all through this hard time especially me ( not to sound selfish). I dont feel as stressed out about everything anymore. I feel like everything is out of my controll so whats the use in letting it controll me. Stressing out over it is just making me even more sick. God wouldn't have given all this to me if he didnt think I could handle it. I think its a test to see how I deal with it all and I think I was failing the first few months of all this. But thats the good thing about God. He is patient and he waits for us to come back to Him. He's so forgiving why cant we be as forgiving as He is.. oh wait I know ...Cause we are human haha. I was thinking about everything last night, I was thinking back to when I had my whole life planned or so I thought I did. I realized how crazy I was "I" had planned my life out. and shut God out of it all. I tried doing it all on my own.. Didnt work out too well did it? haha, I talked to my mom about my new career choice and I've decided to go to culinary school, I forgot how much I loved to cook and decorated cakes. Everything has been falling in to place. I found a school close by that my parents said I could go to and it's with in my physical restrictions. Sorry this is a long one haha just have been doing alot of thinking.. Thats a scary thought in its self isnt it? haha :)
There's a song my mom made me listen to, she said it reminded her of me.. Its called you are more than the choices that you've made by tenth avenue north. When I listened to it she was sitting next to me and I tried to hide how I was feeling. The past year I hated showing how I felt. I've been hurt sooo badly. Im afraid if I let anyone in or let anyone see how I really feel they are just gonna hurt me again. Last year I dated a football player, I did everything for him, I bought him things, helped his parents pay their bills and even went to an away game the day after I had surgery. I thought he loved me. I put everything I had in to that relationship just to find out he was cheating on me the entire time. Not to mention he broke my ribs. I was sooo broken after that. I felt like I wasnt good enough for anyone. And even now its hard for me to trust people. I dont ever want to get hurt again. But I was thinking about it and I can choose to take nothing out of that experiance other than I got completely heartbroken or I can use it to learn how not to treat someone. I would never dream of cheating on someone now ( not that I would have before haha) but now God has shown me how it feels so I dont do it to someone else. And as for that jerk who hurt me. He'll learn someday. Maybe not this year or the next but somday. All I know is that I deserve better than him and someday I'll get that. I'm tired of letting what others do and say and even my medical conditions controll me and how I live my life. I might not be able to change my sickness, what people have done or will do to me but I can change my outlook on it all.. I heard a song on the raido this morning that completly changed my attitude. Its called Bring on the rain by Jo Dee messina and Tim Mcgraw,(im sure its old but its new to me haha) It says; Another day has almost come and gone,Can't imagine what else could go wrong, Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door, A single battle lost but not the war
'Cause, tomorrow's another day, And I'm thirsty anyway,So bring on the rain,It's almost like the hard times circle 'round,A couple drops and they all start coming down,Yeah, I might feel defeated and I might hang my head,I might be barely breathing but I'm not dead, no,'Cause, tomorrow's another day... This is so true tomorrow is another day and I'll have good days and bad days. But I'll get through it.. one day at a time :)