The operation whent fine. He removed the hole AVM and I Was sent home to Sweden again. I´m so happy that it´s gone. It was hell going trough this for bouth me and my nearest family and friends. All was fine a few days, Happy and with no headacke. Then the day I was going home to my home hospital the pain was back. Another week at the hospital in Uppsala before I could go home to Mora, And another 4 weeks in Mora before I could move home for good. almost. A few backsets made me come back to the hospital but not for any longer periods.
Now. I´m wrighting today because I´m feeling sad. My speech is having it´s own way today and I´m feeling confused. When I did the operation I thought I was going to be well. I thought I was going to be back to my self again. But seems that my life is very far away if it´s there...
My symptoms now. Tired, Head pains but only sometimes, My legs stop working and so does my arms sometimes and I´ll be standing somewere not abel to walk away. My speech comes and goes. Just as I´m feeling that I´m allmost my self again I get worse, I have to say that ít´s only for a few days mostly so I guess I shoulden´t complain. But still. Is this the way my life is gonna be? Am I ever gonna be my self? Are theese symptoms going to go away or am I just having to live with them? All my questions seem to be unanswered. I f---- hate this!!!
I know my family and friends is standing by me all the way but sometimes I feel like a burdon.
Today I just feel like screeming and running away. I don´t want my kids to see their mom feeling bad and having to help her. I don´t want my oldest to feel scared to come home from school and not knowing how to find his mother. I don´t want him to feel the responsibility to take care of me.
No one can understand the pain it is to see into his eyes when he finds me having problems to talk and not being abel to call for help or standing somewere not abel to walk away.
I´m so scared and tired of this. I want to be well and enjoy life. And I want my kids, my family and friends to enjoy life, one and other and see the wounders in life. We have to take care of the time we have and not waste it on things that dosen´t matter.
I love my family over all things in life and I would do anything to protect them. It´s just hard to be hold back by youre own body.
Sorry having a really bad day but I´m not a quitter and i´m never giving up. Just give me a day or two and then I´m coming back strong and happy again.