Im curious about this one - everyone can remember who you were before your AVM; the pit falls or success of the chararcter you were beforehand. emotions, memory, vision, muscle, it was all their, good or bad, it was you at 100%. But after your AVM - theres no 2 ways about it, something changed you after it, and altho we can battle back, not often do we get 100% back to full strength.
Yet at work, i try to hide any problems, my hobbies - every time, i try to be one of the guys in the office, to be even more successful than the other. And when it doesnt work out - i miss a word, i cant understand, forget what i was told an hour earlier, etc - i seriously get down about it. I think, "that guy NEVER has that problem, how crap is that!?" - very frustrating.
And its something ive never really been able to achieve, not properly - accepting myself after my bleeds, my aphasia. I should be able to say "thats just the way the cookie crumbles!" - but i dont. I wonder - can you?
I am having a hard time accepting who I am now. I can’t believe how much I have changed in the last 23 days since my AVM ruptured. I have a very difficult time remembering things. I get so mad also! I can forget
the proper word for something as I am talking so I have to stop & really think what I was trying to say. Makes me feel really stupid & they tell me I am not supposed to think that way.
It is very difficult, Rick, as me as well....I say "it is what it is" but that doesn't make me feel any better. AS I have aphasia as well, I'm so impressed that you do as well as you do. I'm on disability and don't work and I still have bad days. Hang in there, Rick!
I used to try to say that but I don't anymore. I have accepted the new me though, warts and all. No matter what my defecits, and there are many, I'm still a pretty cool chick! I too admire what you have acheived in spite of your AVM. You're pretty amazing, I think!
Hello Rich...I remember who I was and how I was prior to my AVM rupture. I compare who I am now to who I was before often.
It has been three and a half years since my AVM rupture and the GammaKnife procedures, and i still deal with memory deficits, limitations with my intellect (not completely understanding what others tell me, sometimes not making sense when I speak)It is a lot better than it was three and a half years ago. Sometimes I am down about it, because the person that I was three and a half years ago did not have that problem. I usually get down about it because I know that my deficits annoys my coworkers and some of the people from my church. I would speak, and someone would give me a look that says "What?" or "What is her problem?" That would hurt sometime.
A way I try to accept myself is to understand that my deficits/limitations, does not make me any less of a person that does not go through what I go through. I try to look at what I have overcome, and look at the fact that I am able to work, maintain a good GPA at school (yet I work twice as hard to keep it that way). I'm not completely there with accepting the new me, but it is something that I work at daily.
I can understand what you are going through in some way.
Wishing you the best.
Hey Rich! Firstly, I think you are amazing and an inspiration for so many on this site, especially with aphasia!! Acceptance is the key and is also Freedom....how I wish I could accept "me" all the time. I am doing my best with acceptance and I find it hard going most of the time, however, I keep at it. I have tried to remove "should" out of my mind and just say, "shove should where is shoud be"....out of my mind, easier said than doneI know. So, to answer your question, can you?....not yet my friend!
hi becca, yes anger can be right after frustration! Im trying not to think in that way a smuch as possible.
thats very kind, i really dont deserve much credit i think, but thats a very kind thought! yes, its "it is what it is", or perhaps "like it or lump it"!
thats also rather kind! I gues sim luckiness to have a job, and one that i kinda like a bit, but the stress of it seriously puts me down sometimes. But i guess everyone does, AVM or not!?
Im sure u r a cool chick too trish, that u have accepted yourself, and got on with it, is certainly something to be good about.
Hi Ninibeth, thats about it really - "..aphasia moments and other laugh.." - especially when a collegue is not even a freind, per se. Very frustrating indeed. And what can we do? Not much, apart from try not to think about it much.....
thats a good look over the situation there lesley. If u can handle your limitations, expect something that pre-stroke would not happen, and be ready for it, its a good look over it. This would perhaps calm me down a bit, if i have a bad time.....
hi lesley im so glad to have helped with the aphasia :)
If you cant accept it, i guess the only thing you can do for the current situation, is try not to think about it? And even that is not that simple......
HI, I have not been able to, but things have really changed for me, I found out about my avm in my brain five yeras ago, had radiation for it, it did nothing but cause problems,seizures ,medications, memory problems, and this past christmas a massive bleed to my brain,im lucky to be alive,God is great! I have shunts in my head now that run to my stomach in acse of another bleed,this time tomorrow i go in for gluing of this avm and on tuesday they will remove the avm if all goes well,been crazyyyyyyy for me!!
I am the same but different. I wanted everyone to accept the new me but I was the one who didn't accept it until recently. I realize there have been many turning points in my life that altered who I was and made me who I am, my AVM is no exception. The other moments were planned, marriage and birth of my son. Starting my own business, and buying a home. Each birthday came and there was a new growth from the past year. Even with set backs in my past they were always a step towards my future. Agagin my AVM is no different. Like any new friend I meet there has been a "getting to know each other" phase. I am accepting of me. I laugh at myself. I found that others embrace the new me but only after I did.
Who am i now??? I wanted to share with everyone in this discussion; sorry if I take a very roundabout approach... it's my brain damage-- For starters, a year after my bleed(right temporal) my husband of 15 years filed for divorce. , he didn't know the new me.... The new me, being unsinkable! i have a new boyfriend already. AND to get to the point: My boyfriend suffered a TBI 20 years ago (not an avm, but yet, a brain injury and surgery! He is hat I like to call mostly recovered, 'well, as much as any man... And he told me to hang in there, one morning I will wake up and be Completely comfortable in my new skin and at home in my new reality. He insists it happened for him! although he still has some deficiencies in the memory function, he seems very at peace with his recovery and position! It is reassuring that with time and committment we all can use neuroplasticity to achieve our goals; bearing in mind it may take 20 years?! Hope this helps! I found it very reassuring
Hi Rich - I'm trying a new approach - we'll see if this one sticks =)
I've decided to see both my visible and invisible scars as unique stories or accomplishments of me. I'm a chick, but maybe this approach and attitude would work for guys, too???
Worth a shot, maybe...as long as a fist doesn't end up in your eye. =(
btw - did someone say cookies? If they're chocolate chip, I'm all over that.
Hi Ninibeth, I just read your post, and it reminded me of what someone said to me in the rehab. hospital - that I was really never THAT normal, anyway...with friends like that...=) I thought that it was funny and somewhat true...we all define "normal" in our own way.
Thanks Rich....I hope I didn't sound too negative!! I truly do work on my acceptance the best I can, with what I have, at the time. I do know that, through time and "working on it", my acceptance will improve as I reckon that the "Beast" didn't kill me, so this darn acceptance won't either!! Shall "keep on, keeping on"....as before, thank you!
Hi Rich. Yikes…I am 24 years plus after my bleed. I have lived long enough to have age related problems. Trust me me if you live long enough these issues will occur.
Phhhft…life is not meant to be fair or it would be called Paradise/Heaven. The few people I know that have never suffered a day are miserably…unhappy people!
Embrace the new you because you have a reason/purpose for being here!!