Been a bad 36 hours over here…
First, I had an appt with my attorney yesterday morning to prepare for the meeting with certain people from the government. (BTW, does anyone know if the government can see what we talk about on here?)
We spent 4 hours, four extremely difficult and long hours, going over literally everything that I can and can not do as to how it relates to working a full time job - not necessarily what I used to do but pretty much any job. Guess what?
Yeah, I can’t do anything. According to the standards that they have, there is no type of job that I could do for 8 hours a day 5 days a week. I already knew that, so what’s the big deal?
I’m finding that I’ve been trying to pour it into a glass half full (or for our English friends, a pint half full) and look at the positive. If I didn’t, I don’t know how I could get out of bed every day. I would definitely be a candidate for inpatient mental health support. And I say that with all seriousness and with the knowledge that at least 5 of my friends kids and one of my nephews have been there.
Here is where it hit me with a full blown punch to the head that I hadn’t been expecting it would. By spending all of this time talking about all of these negative things, it reinforced that I was, well, purposefully delusional? I’ve been trying to put a good spin on things and more often, the balloon that cushioned the fall from these bad symptoms made the fall not as bad as it could. This popped that balloon so when I got to discussing things and how bad they were, I had no cushion to keep the bad things from hurting so much. (And my apologies to my favorite English professor, Prof. James VandenBosch, because I think I mixed my metaphors at least three times in that section.) But I’m not going to change them because this is me right now.
So I’m feeling like rather than making small dents in this great big mountain of woe, the mountain just let loose a nasty avalanche that might bury me (or might try is a better way to say it.)
How do you recover from that? How do you say, “look, all of the things that I’m dealing with, they are still there but they don’t own me, I own them.” I’m struggling today with a “post busy, post stress” hangover without the benefit of the beer and trying to wrap my arms and my damaged brain around it all. Any and all advice or input is welcome.
And then, I was hoping for a good night sleep last night but son (18, graduated from high school in May, musician, adopted from Haiti - he and are not the same skin color by any means) was supposed to be home by 10 (mutually agreed on time), well, let’s just say that he missed his curfew by 4 hours and thanks to the Find My Friends app on iphones, I was able to determine that he went to a city about 45 minutes away. A city with very high crime rates. A city where DWB is a violation that will get you, at best a ticket and and at worst, well, let’s just say that Driving While Black when you are in a tough town and you aren’t from around there can be really dangerous?
So, rather than getting 9 hours of sleep of sleep and starting today on a better note, I got about 5 hours and I felt like crap when I got up.
Why does this have to be so stinkin’ difficult?