Peace? No, this is something I’m still trying to find. I had a large amount of blame due to how my scenario all turned out. There were many signs and opportunities over the years for a diagnosis that were missed and I’ve lost count of how many times my mind has taken me to the ‘What if’s’. What if the signs had been investigated properly? what if a diagnosis had been made sooner? What if I’d made more noise about it all. And those ‘What if’s’ can go on and on and… So ‘Peace’?, nope, sorry. Just a level of frustration for me.
Acceptance? Sometimes, yes, sometimes, no. I have had to re-learn all of my limits. Tasks I used to be able to complete easily can at times overwhelm me. This can be very frustrating. If I can establish a reason why, like ‘I did too much yesterday’ and I’m paying for it today or ‘I haven’t eaten properly’ so I don’t have the energy or ‘Didn’t sleep well last night’ and I’m just exhausted etc I find I can justify it and this makes the acceptance a ‘little’ easier.
But when I can’t find an answer to ‘why?’ My annoyance with self can be HUGE. But I know and I have to accept it all, I have proven to myself that sure I can push my limits but there is always a consequence for doing so. In knowing this I have to weigh the + and - of doing it. Yes, I can push myself to complete a task, but the consequences of doing so is that I could be bedbound for 2 days in agony. So, I have to ask myself ‘Is it worth it?’ and ‘How else can I get it done?’
Something I have found is that by taking a task and breaking it down into steps. For example, I have a large yard. My task is to clean up and tidy the yard. I have a dog, he makes a fair mess. So I clean up his section of the yard, then reassess ‘Am I OK?’. Next step, clean up ready for mowing. Put garden hoses and tools away, then reassess again ‘Am I still OK?’, if the answers yes, then I’ll continue. But if the answers ‘No’, then I have to stop or there will be consequences. By breaking it down into steps I’m not looking at the whole task being completed in one go and I seem to be more at ease with myself in the steps I’d succeeded in completing, rather than looking at the whole task which I hadn’t finished. And I seem to be able to accept the small successes rather than the ‘whole’ as a failure.
I hope this makes some sense.
Merl from the Modsupport Team