14yrs PAINFUL journey - Mixed Feelings - Tears, Pain, Strength, Pride yet feeling hopeless!

hey guys....i know its been quite some time since my last update.

Life at my end is:
After an AVM Right Frontal Brain surgery in the year 2001 at the age of 15yrs and then suffering 95% memory cells damage n swimming 14 yrs of managing academics and work related challenges.....now i am ....In the middle of a 2nd phase of COGNITIVE MEMORY REHABILITATION after crossing successfully the 1st phase of memory rehab during Dec 2013 to June 2014. The 2nd phase is even more detailed rehabilitation focusing on live issues we face at workplace n slow reflexes and as a result of strained working relationships, groupism , office politics, back-stabbing etc etc. NOW I AM EMPLOYED & SIMULTANEOUSLY in my 2nd phase of REHAB to give live inputs to Doctors about the ground reality and practical limitations.

My Feelings n mood swings today:
My doctor who has treated my rehab since Dec 2013 and knows all my true feelings n journey of pain n struggle slowly opened up today in June 2015 and said the following:
"Hey Santhosh i must really admit it that you have seen through too much during this phase of 15-29 yrs age struggle yet been able to successfully complete your academics and be successfully employed after falling down trying in 5 companies BUT I MUST ADMIT I have something not so pleasant to say - In the first phase of rehab when you came to me in Dec 2013 with 13 yrs of bottled up pain, humiliations, frustrations....u needed the time to heal emotionally and "needed to be heard"....BUT now when you are back to the 2nd phase of MEMORY REHAB I am able to notice you are emotionally very composed n stable and also seem to be well informed of the harsh realities of life. As a result of emotional stability i want to open up about certain things to you which i hope you will digest it with all your wisdom n strength. This is want I wanted to say - Though you have crossed through all these milestones with all the hard work n pain n humiliations, i must not mislead you that the world is a such a kid place to live. Your aspirations with regards to "be on par with peers with regards to career graph, not being back-stabbed by friends, groupism, MARRIAGE" are very justified but it is also unfortunate yet harsh reality that finding Non-AVMers who can dedicate their life to be a partner to an AVMer is very very difficult. Your life partner must be able to know the meaning and implications of career graph for a rocky marriage life for 30-40 yrs plus your mood swings and memory deficits and your sudden outbursts of accumulated pain n hopelessness and your need to run the race with fellow peers. I wont say it is impossible but at the same time finding such a girl is not so easy. Moreover your parents are aged n gone are the days wen ur parents took care of you now you need to take care of your aged parents who supported your AVM journey for the past 15yrs.

Having said all these some things are left to destiny that is why some things even doctors cannot answer...all that we can say is if you were able to swim through 15 yrs of all these traumas n still able to keep moving on...GOD MUST HAVE SOME PURPOSE IN HIS MIND :) Stay Strong n Focus on your 2nd phase of Renab n focus on hangin on to your job inspite of poor social life, back stabbing friends, mood swings, depression etc.

THIs Is WHAT MY DOCTOR SAID...n i am still yet to come to terms to get the strength to keep climbing the mountain with a broken leg(an artistic way of describing my Brain AVM struggle)...But no matter what I WILL NOT GIVE UP.....Both me and MY PARENTS didnt go through this much to give up.....Hope all this will get answered in my 2nd phase of Rehab which is in progress parallely with my work n career struggles.

Pls do keep me in your prayers....i will surely reach the finish line this time too :)

Bangalore, india.

Santhosh, I admire your strength through the past 15 years. I’m also glad you found a doc that told you how it is, which wasn’t easy to do, either.
You show great courage and the right attitude when you said "I WILL NOT GIVE UP."
Someone once told me life is about the journey, not just the destination. It helped me, maybe it’ll hep you, too. I will keep you in my prayers, Santhosh. :slight_smile:

Dear Santhosh, I will be keeping you in my prayers. You've made it through the AVM diagnosis and through your procedure, and you've keep on moving for fifteen years which I admire because I'm still trying to stay optimistic after nearly seven.
It is a tough road, but look at what you've made it through fifteen years of it. You've made it quite far, and I am confident that you can make it even further. stay strong, my friend! :-)

Thank you Tim :)

Thank you Leslye :)

Thanks Ninanbeth and apologies for the delayed reply.....i was off for some days.


Guys I am still finding the emotional roller coaster and mood swings are one of the toughest things to handle in the AVM struggle.....the pain of not being understood and still worse misunderstood and end up with unwanted hate stories and losing networks and friends.....I somehow am still in a very painful n brittle situation trying to hang on in my 2nd phase of rehab multitasking along with office and providing the doctor live feedback on actual reality of daily struggles including people relationships groupism back stabbing etc etc....

Once in a while go through very strong mood swings like Loss of Faith in God and Anger against Humans who behave powerful to control others sadistically.

Lets c where the journey is headed in the 2nd phase of my cognitive rehab....its 3 months now since it started in Apr 2015. Hopefully God has some purpose for this as well :)