Dating

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So I find myself fearing that a dream. A hope that I have will not be achieved. i, after much effort. Much like that of one becoming a doctor, or a priest, I achieved my goal of becoming an airline pilot. Ultimately becoming a captain for American Eagle. This was the achievement of a dream. A dream since i was a child. While i am sadened by how my career has ended, I am proud of what I achieved. Something I, and a couple of flight instructors didn't think I could achieve.

I benefited from these accomplishments. People that i just met would grant me a bit more respect because I did what they believed they could not. i think, while women don't hold as much value to a mans' profession, I am sure that women valued my profession a bit more, as few men were professional pilots.

Now I find myself in a difficult position. I have lost my career. As AVM survivors know, we have become different people. I am not who I was. I do not have my career, my confidence, my physical, and to an extent, my mental abilities. I am not who I was.

My latest fear is that I may not achieve my ultimate goal. The goal of meeting, and marrying the woman I love.

I achieved much in my professional life. I didn't go as far as I thought I would, but went farther than I thought I would. Now I find myself faced with what amounts to be my final goal. One that I think I took for granted. That eventually I would meet the woman that I would marry.

Perhaps I did, only I didn't realize it because I didn't know myself as I do now.

Now I must learn to, at least, like myself enough to allow a woman to like me. Something that is a work in progress.

I have gone to hating who I have become, to just not being used to who I am. I have gone from thinking that the man I was is dead, to a part of the man I was is dead.

The challenge now is to love and know the man that I still am. Those qualities about me that I never relied on because my profession and other accomplishments sufficed.

My question of you is this. For those of you who have been in my position, what did you do? How did you put yourself out there? Presenting yourself to another, someone who you didn't really know anymore? How do I emphasize my traits, as my accomplishments are no longer pertinent?

Greg

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Greg, from the outside looking in I can say that everything I've read is quite pertinent to who you are. Realizing the fact that things are different is a huge step in the right direction. Look at the big picture as things could have been much worse, and embrace your past accomplishments. The bar may be a little higher at the moment, but it seems to me you can reach it. Just my opinion relating myself to situations I've been faced with over my course of recovery. All the best..
Brian

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Hi Greg - I can't comment on dating, but certainly based on what you have written here, there is a lot in your heart and you are certainly someone who has a lot to offer. Dating is hard for everybody and for anyone who has been through major illness, it is certainly a more difficult thing to do. One group I would suggest joining on here is our Texas site. It is NOT a dating site, but there may be other people in your state who are going through something similar to you and may have some suggestions on how to go about finding a partner. Btw, your traits and accomplishments are still pertinent since they are part of what make you, YOU. keep us posted.

http://www.avmsurvivors.org/group/southwest-avm-survivors

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Debra,

Thanks. I have actually gotten in touch with a guy in Dallas who has an AVM. Should meet him next week.

Greg

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Brian,

Thanks. It can be difficult for me to acknowledge the good things in my life that still remain. I am used to operating at a higher level. As for my past accomplishments, again, I tend to disregard them as I can no longer exercise the privileges of my pilot certificate. My career pushed me to strive to be as good a pilot as I could be. If you were on my plane, you were in good hands. Fortunately I was only tested on a few occasions.

Greg

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Greg, I think I can speak for everyone on this site, that lives have been changed forever. The correct thing to do is to embrace the issue and by doing so you will be showing people not only that you accomplished the things you wanted to early in your professional life but you are also mentally tuff enough to accept the medical issues associated with AVM. Golf has been taken away from me and everyone can talk about the things that have been taken away from them, but I can be a good example to other people. I loss a daughter at 55 and was blessed with AVM at 65, go figure. You may not want to hear it but God in haven has a plan for every sole on this earth. You seem to be young enough to look forward to what is to come, including a love of your life. You may meet her in a church or a grocery store, but let God lead you and he will. My AVM was in my spinal cord and it's not easy to handle but I want other people including my family that I can take it. But I do pray daily that God will ease the pain and discomfort some. Go get it done and be patient to let life unfold, don't push it and it will happen. I will be praying for you and all people that have had to deal with AVM. My best to you.

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Hi Greg,

The following advice is from Deb C., the woman, not Deb C., the AVMS survivor.

I haven’t been seeking a partner actively for some years now. Part of it is because of a horrible online dating experience. Another is that I 'm also insecure about my own failings as a human being. Although my AVM in my neck has caused me minimal residual damage, I have been handicapped my entire life by not knowing how to pick someone who’s right for me and how to have a emotionally relationship with someone.

However, what I want most from a man is what you are seeking from a woman, which is someone who accepts me for who I am. That was missing from most of the relationships I had, and I turned away men who actually accepted me for who I was.

I also havery an aunt who married someone with a disability. I have never met him, but my mother has. Before meeting him, she was skeptical of the relationship, but after she met him, she was impressed by the way he treated my aunt and how supportive he was.

Even though I’m not actively dating someone, there was a man who caught my attention recently. He works in a grocery store I go to regularly. He always says hi to me every time I 'm in the store. One day he noticed that the back of my shopping cart was opened, and he put it back together for me.

I hope you are able to find someone that accepts you for everything you are and you can give her the precious gift of acceptance in return.

All the best,
Debbie

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Happy Valentine's Day, Greg! Almost four years ago I had an AVM burst on my spinal cord, bled into my brain,43 days in hospital, had to relearn to walk,was happy just to get out of my bed, then was thrilled when I could make the bed! Had to quit a job I had loved every day for 38 years.

Now, every day, is a beautiful day, and I am thrilled to be alive to enjoy it. Give yourself a chance to mourn the loss of your beautiful old life. Go with the flow of everything. Celebrate all that you still have, and enjoy each day as you create a new life better than before! All the best to you, Sir.
Donna

1 Like
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I'm right there with you Jimmie D. C. All the very best to you!!
Donna

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Donna,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. Happy Valentines Day.

Greg

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Jimmie,

Thank you for your kind words, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Greg

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Debbie,

Thank you for your encouraging words.

Greg

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Hi Greg,
Happy Valentine's Day! I think what you wrote is true that you need to figure yourself out first and figure out who you are now and be in love with yourself first. When we go damaged into a relationship, even if it's someone that could've been the one, we will surely fail because we bring our own self hate and insecurities into it. So rather than falling in love with a woman, fall in love with you first. It's the cheesiest most cliche thing to read, but it's an oldie but a goodie piece of advice.

If you're trying to meet someone new, if you're trying to reunite with someone who knew you before AVM, it still starts with you.

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Greg,
I feel your pain! I was a nurse practitioner before my stroke. Now, I feel as if I'm spinning my wheels. I had really bad aphasia after my bleed but that's improved somewhat. I joke with my brother that it's not radio talk show host speaking but wth. What helps me is I go eat breakfast at a mom-n-pop restaurant that has a bar counter and strike basic conversations about whatever. Men my age seem to be very patient and it helps my self esteem. We are our own worst enemies sometimes. I tell men/people I was working as an NP, did so for 24 years but I had to leave for health reasons. At the "bar counter" is not the place to get into those conversations and if they ask for more info I tell them, "I've have to kill you if I told you." haha. Go online to get your feet with socializing and let me tell you why, you can be the person you've always been, and only tell the few you choose about your life's occurrences. A good woman will understand. This isn't going away so let's make the best of it...

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Hi Greg
Firstly, did you lose your job as a Pilot due to having an AVM? I have always been advised that I should be ok to fly after my AVM was removed. If yours has been removed, I can't understand why you can't keep your job???
Secondly. I think everyone on this site would think the same as you. We all fool ourselves that the person who came out of the operating room isn't the person that went into it. I admit I do feel strange sometimes, however and sorry to be boring, but positive thinking is the best way around this. Don't think that people are judging you, if they are, and they are that shallow, forget them they were not worth the effort of speaking to them.
As with all dating, where do you hope to meet that one person you would like to share a lot of time with??? Think of your hobbies, interests or challenges you would like to try but haven't yet. Give them a go, you never know. I have found that a person who you can share things in common with or have common interests, tend to be far more fun to be with than some bimbo you pick up at a Bar.
If you like Bars, Restaurants, clubs etc, still go and have a great time, but don't always think that you are going to meet your Muse there. I never have. Just a few simple liaisons that never lasted.
It seems that you feel the need to impress with your accomplishments. The fact that you know how to fly is an accomplishment in itself. Hell if I was on a plane and they put the call out for a pilot, I would be damn glad you were on that Plane!!!
Your choice of the word pertinent was puzzling, do you want to meet a female co-pilot?? If not forget it.
The simple fact that you have taken Pilot training proves that you must be intelligent. Use your intelligence to wow the Girls. If they are not wowed, well you would have bored with them very quickly as they wouldn't be on the same plane as you (pardon the pun)
With or without problems with AVM's dating is ALWAYS a mystery and the best person comes along without you ever knowing or planning it.
Hang in on there mate, you will find your way. Promise.

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Stuart,

Yes, the AVM did end my career as a pilot. Unfortunately, the brain surgery required to remove the AVM caused affects that resulted in the loss, and inability to retain my medical. I have double vision and, as the AVM was in my cerebellum, balance problems. Even if I could retain my medical, I don't think I would take the left seat, or any seat in the cockpit, again.

As for dating. Did I feel a need to impress women. Not specifically. With that said, I knew that a woman would be impressed by my accomplishments. Anyone was. I know now that anyone I met, when I told them I was an airline pilot, I knew they granted me a level of respect more than that, that they would give someone else.

I find myself having to rely on personality traits that I possess, but haven't needed to exercise as my accomplishments did that for me. As it is, and as some have agreed with, if i don't particularly like who I am now, I can't expect a woman to like me. I am faced with the journey of learning to like, no, love the man that I am now. The man that I have always been, but haven't had to rely on.

So while I agree that I need to find a woman that shares my interests, more importantly, I need to learn to love the new me before I can expect a woman to love me too.\

Greg

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avm@45,

Thanks. Good luck to you.

Greg

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alrightytypewriter,

Thanks. Truer words haven't been said.

Greg

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I didn’t know I had an AVM until I was 29. I had been seeing someone for a month and on a night out I had a seizure infront of him and my friends. He refused to leave my side, came with me in the ambulance and stayed with me throughout my stay at the hospital. He has been with me throughout everything and accepts me for me. After my GK treatment I really suffered badly with migraines and have had to change my approach to my lifestyle which affected us both. We are still together now and stronger than ever. He really is my rock.
Realising that you have changed is the first step, the next bit is learning to adapt to that change and move forward with it in a positive way. It is hard knowing that you aren’t the same person as you used to be. You shouldn’t need to emphasize anything, just be yourself and I am sure your personality will shine through :slight_smile: If someone doesn’t accept you or prefers to be friends then do not take this personally, you are not a problem. When you meet that special someone you will know, things will just click.
Hannah x

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I will be celebrating my 22nd wedding anniversary 12/31. I told her up front about the situation. I’d had some brain work scheduled that affected our honeymoon but other than that.
It’s not a fairytale existence if the right person comes along, it’s easy to tell.
Good luck!